this beautiful, scary world.

"The future is scary but you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. Yes, it's tempting but it's a mistake" - HIMYM 

As crazy as it sounds, it's already 2012! I have always had this curious obsession with new stuff, new calendars, new notebooks (that I'll probably use half of and into my forgotten pile they'll go), new pens, new everything. But the new year's still a pretty novel concept in my over complicated brain. It's probably because I'm very very bad at letting go. There's this part of me that thrives under the mistaken idea that I have limitless space in my brain to store every single memory, feeling, emotion, and to constantly experience it over. For one, I seriously overestimated the power of my brain, and for another, I end up being too caught up in the 'here and now' to even think about the 'then'. I'm learning though, it's been getting easier to let go. If I weren't such an emotionally-charged creature it would definitely be much easier, but it's all about embracing life, about throwing out the past, about starting over.

Honestly, I'm pretty freaked out by 2012 already, the concept of As isn't the very least lodged in my head yet, which probably isn't a bad thing, since I really don't need the constant reminders >: Seriously can't believe 2011's over though. It's been quite a crazy year, not entirely perfect, but definitely amazing. Still not quite used to JC yet (see I told you I had problems with adjustment and sorts) but I'm getting there. Hehe but when you put school aside, this year, I have read amazing books, listened to amazing songs, met cool people and learnt so much from this one and only life I have :) Sure, there were disappointments here and there that I can't bear to think about but am slowing coming to terms with, but there were also pretty sweet moments that added a few more watts to my smiles hehehe :> And the people. Passionate people, seriously retarded people, people whom I haven't even got a chance to know well yet,  people whom I can share silence with and not feel at all uncomfortable. So much to learn from these people, I realise.

And I learnt that I need to stop fretting about what I'm not and quit feeling guilty about it too. It's seriously unhealthy, and doesn't do much for self-esteem either. I don't have to be the funniest person, or the neatest. I don't have to schedule every second of my life. I don't have to smile just because others are. I don't have to make lists for everything. Just because everyone does it and it works for everyone else doesn't mean it works for me. Okay probably the most bizarre revelation ever, but still a revelation :>

Okay and on to this year. There are so many things I want to do, so many dreams I have yet to fulfil (not all of them realistic, mind you) and a chest full of endless possibilities out there, cliched as it may sound. Getting good grades is just half of it. Listening to my favourite songs on repeat, reading simply beautiful books, getting to know more people better. And the less tangible stuff. Like proper friendships. Finding love in hopeless places hehehe :>. Serving with my heart. And the dreams. America road trips. My 11:11 wishes. College abroad. Riding chestnut horses. The kinda stuff you read about in books. Oh my, I'm getting excited typing all this. :> :> Hehe so no proper resolutions this year, because I'm all about embracing life as it is whee~

wide open heart.

"Running is easy, it's the stopping that's hard. But life was never supposed to be hard, so I'll just keep on running."

I'm sitting here doing nothing in particular and it just occurred to me that life's so nearly perfect. November's in full swing, which must only be a good thing, and the only thing I'm worrying about is, uh jabs on wednesday. A stark contrast to those who have ten thousand things running simultaneously through their minds, and I'm glad. There's this feeling of utter happiness that comes with knowing you have nothing to do. Except maybe a pesky little math assignment or two.


Reasons why I'm happy:


1. I have the bestest bestest pw group in the world. And I really really really mean it. (Added in a few more reallys for emphasis). You know you do when you don't mind doing pw for another year with them OKAY WAIT I TAKE IT BACK I DEFINITELY MIND. But you get the point, which reminds me, I've got emails to reply!!!


2. Pw's over. Which means everything remotely pw-related goes out the window too. But the process of pw has been quite fun, actually (and yes, I'm not crazy). Especially with great groupmates (refer to point 1)


3. It's been raining and rain puts me in good moods. 


4. Made the biggest 11:11 wish in my lifetime! And felt good about it too. Not the biggest one I could think of, but who needs wishes when you've got everything you could possibly want right here on earth. So grateful :)


5. I'm excited for vietnam!!


6. Settled some stuff that's been bugging me. All because I created a problem in my head that wasn't there in the first place haha. I'm such an idiottttt at times. But no matter!


7. No reason not to be! 


You know the time between sunset and pitch blackness? I never seem to be able to catch it. Shall make it a goal!

of all the pinky promises,

make believe

'Never underestimate the power of glitter. It's Kindergarten 101, really. Squeeze an unrealistic amount of glue on construction paper. Dump a pile of glitter on top. Shake. And let dry. Glitter is like ... little flecks of brilliance caught in a tube. A miracle in a jar. Because glitter can take any work in progress to that next level. It hides the most glaring of imperfections, works to bring out the best in everything. It takes the ordinary and turns it into something interesting and beautiful.' - Cross My Heart by Katie Klein

So true, don't you think. Glitter is so fascinating, really, it definitely enhances stuff, but it's sort of like this opaque veil that masks imperfections and hides the ugliest of truths. But when all that glitter is scraped off, the veil evaporates to reveal the honest, ugly truth underneath. Sad, really, how some people just keep piling on layers and layers of glitter over their lives, people don't recognise them anymore, they can't even recognise themselves.

True, glitter may represent some form of better reality. Honestly though, masquerading as someone else is definitely not something you want to spend your entire life doing. People forget that Halloween lasts only one night, leave their costumes on too long, and it becomes a permanent part of them. Not them, but a part of them, see the difference! And they end up forgetting who they were underneath all the costumes and make-up. Okay, moral of story, all that glitters is not gold hehehe. Don't go chasing someone else when being yourself is possibly the best thing you can offer the world :))

Watching X Factor now while posting this hahaha. My sister got me hooked on following all the X Factor stuffz but it's totally worth it. The performances are really ah-mazing :))) Rooting for Drew!! hehehe.

frolicsome. :)

fixing fixation.

Life has this way of making me feel completely drained and wiped at times, yet so bright and jumpy at others. I really like it when I'm bright and jumpy, it's when I start noticing the happier stuff around me, like how white and fluffy the clouds were today :DD

When we convince ourselves hard enough, we might end up believing what we want to believe. And for me, this happens way too often because half the time, I'm trying to convince myself that everything isn't as bad as it seems. Anyway, I just really wish I hadn't been that mean and ignorant and all. ): What hurts the most is knowing that you let what could've been a great friendship slip out of your grasp just like that. It's heart-wrenching not because I care, but because I have to act like I don't. It's painful, even. Trying to pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together but for one, the glue isn't permanent, and for another, I'm really not very good at fixing things. Please just tell me the glue will hold.

Okay anyway I really have so much to be thankful for. It catches me by surprise how much believing can really help. Okay it might just sound too cliched and all, the 'believe in youself' line repeated over and over until it's on replay in your head, but seriously, no one truly knows how to believe until you really feel it for yourself. That's why I've been telling people to believe, believe, believe, because in such a cold, dark world, it's the only thing keeping us sane.

forgive me, will you? ):

rekindled hope.

It's funny how much you can remember without even trying, yet when you actually try, like memorising tons and tons of stuff for bio, you can't seem to remember much at all. Our brains works in the weirdest ways, subtly hinting that we should be getting our priorities straight. I guess many of us tend to get caught up chasing our personal dreams and aspirations, so much so that ignorance becomes the natural, convenient solution to everything else that we don't have the time for. It's somewhat selfish, but not entirely unreasonable, don't you think? A privilege, perhaps, that we are here chasing rainbows and butterflies when some may not even have the strength to stand up on their two feet, let alone run. Maybe rekindling hope for these people means just as much as achieving your goals, and maybe even more, really.

This is just another random thought: it scares me how some people put way too much emphasis on their goals. They bulldoze their way through, destroying everything remotely human in the process. Like trust and love and friendship. Scary, really, how much some people will do.

Whee I like bubbles. Haha deprived childhood, perhaps. But they're really such pretty objects, dontcha think!! All that hope captured in a tiny little bubble floating skywards~

october breezes.

Lonely. And I really haven't got a right to be. Not when there are lonlier people.

I think maybe I'm afraid to be alone. But those who are afraid end up being the loneliest people. Which probably makes me one of the loneliest people in the world. ):

People's lives are scary. And that's just because their lives are far bigger, far greater than I could ever imagine. Could never match up to it, will never match up to it, and wait, why do I even want to match up to it. Doesn't make sense, all this. Perhaps I need to throw on an invisibility cloak and just watch it all from the sidelines.

And surprisingly, I am happy. :) Today made me happy. Running around with little kids around amk park made me happy. I want to lie on grass, look at the sky, admire the clouds and never get up again. Funny how things so perfect are so ephemeral. 

counting, counting, counting,

scars like secret road maps.

Finally finally finally. They are over. (Not for good though, but for now.) Studying has been rather fulfilling, though not half as much as wasting time for the sake of it is hehe. I don't know how I go through all this unscathed, but I do anyway, and everyone does. Just like how even the darkest storms pass, and the sun shines ever so brightly again, if not brighter. Been telling myself that each and every day the past week, and all these little streaks of optimism combined have been getting me through the most insane stuff. But studying is really not as bad as it sounds (okay wait who said it sounded bad?), it's just not something I would choose to do for a pastime, or a lifetime. Okayokay I really should stop, life is so good now, I feel like I've conquered the world (but if exams were the world, then the world would be a really bleak and meaningless place, just saying~).

You know what, this is the sweetest feeling I've felt in a long time, but really, if we needed exams to dig out such feelings from the depths of us, then it doesn't make much sense at all.

I'm overthinking things again. I've a tendency to do that when my brain is not memorising equations or shapes of parabolas and ellipses. Not good, because one thing leads to another and another and another (okay this sounds totally wrong but yea you get what I mean.)

And these days, lots of people have been telling me what they want to do with their lives. I really haven't got a single clue what I want, and honestly, I don't think that's a bad thing. I think everyone has dreams, and these dreams might spark off something more in you, so it's probably a natural thing right. It will eventually come. When you're ready. Only when you're ready. Just like how your period comes when you're mentally ready to accept it. OKAY OKAY BAD EXAMPLE VERNA BAD EXAMPLE. Anyway, I highly doubt I'm ready yet, a little part of me still wants to a disney princess, while there's this grown-up, matured part of me that knows that's highly impossible. And from time to time, I still let my mind wander to beautiful hazelnut horses galloping into the sunset through golden pumpkin fields. Such pretty dreams I have. You know pragmatism has been so deeply ingrained in each and every one of us that our minds work in such synchronised, robotic ways. But just letting my mind wander and not doing anything about it just goes to show what an absolute failure I am at rebelling against it.

I really love so much of the people in my life, and yes I'm really grateful too. I feel like killing myself everytime I admire the roses in someone else's garden when there are so many pretty roses right under my windowsill. Just goes to show how very blind we are. Very blind. And I'm learning. We're all learning.

Woahh so much thinking I've been doing, but moral of story is I have to be more appreciative of the little things, because after all, it's the little details that define us. The big things are merely the borders that surround these little details. When you look at a painting, it's the little details that catch your attention, not the borders. The same little details that you thought were not as important as the big ones. And the same little details that might scar you forever. I might be going a bit too far off, but really, don't lose sight of the small things just because the big picture's already formed. Ten pieces missing from a jigsaw puzzle is just as noticeable as one little missing piece. OKAY YES ENOUGH.

Oh my had night service again today, and I have really missed all the people so much, like really. See, I have such beautiful roses underneath my windowsill :DD

trying to be brave. and failing,

Studying has come to a point where diminishing marginal returns have set in. So I am posting to get my mind off econs for a little while.

I really miss childhood innocence, it seems as if  the world appears colder and harsher as you get older. Absolutely not ready to face the world, people may be fighting dragons, but I can't even wield a sword. Been making mistakes and not even trying to pick up the pieces. Torn between ignoring people and just looking them in the eye and giving it all way. It's a tough choice but when you've got just that split second, you never do anything right. Decisions, decisions. And making them gets us through life bit by bit. 

Instead of dreaming of pretty horses galloping into sunsets, I'm reciting the Krebs cycle in my head when I sleep. There is something seriously flawed about this system, I just can't put a finger on it. 

Building more and more walls that I don't think I'll ever break down. But inside I'm dying to know what's on the other side. And whether there's a chance. No, there's always a chance, it's whether you choose to take it that makes all the difference.

Is there anything worth remembering, other than the Krebs cycle, or market failures? Maybe not.

The Dark Alley, by Verna

You were framed up in that dark alley,
The alley, where all alleys converge,
The alley of
Her heart.


You cast that glow, that sliver of light, and it
Went cascading down
And down.


The light that sneaked into her morning routine,
The light that snatched her frowns and replaced them with smiles,
The light that was brighter than a hundred light bulbs put together.
That light.
Was you.


But out went the light,
Out went her smiles,
And out went her heart.
That alley was never this dark.


You are still framed up in that dark alley,
Collecting dust.
She did not throw out the frame,
It's still there.
You're still there
In the alley of
Her heart.


---




Just a poem I wrote. Haven't written one in ages, but I suddenly felt like writing one. I know it's not very good, but maybe, just maybe, I haven't lost it yet heh. And now I shall go back to studying Mitosis and Meiosis.

The girl who felt too much and said too little.

12 more days to promos. Revision was progressing really well during the hols until WHAM the hols were over and school came back with a resounding bang, driving us back to reality again. School has a way of doing that and it's sometimes quite frustrating, really. 

But I'm so glad I managed to finish chem and math revision during the hols. My brain is still in knots from all the differentiating and integrating, seriously. Bio is taking too much time, it'll probably take up the whole of this week. Which leaves econs and gp to next week. But you know what, nothing ever goes according to plan. Just saying. Gahh I really hate myself when I'm being so pessimistic. Am desperately trying to find a bright side now, but I can't seem to be able to find it. Just when I really need a bright side too. )):

HELLO MR BRGHT SIDE WHERE ARE YOUUUU.

as if it's ever that easy to ):

highways and dead ends

It's been a short ten weeks, and everything seems to be falling in and out of place repeatedly. But I'm not going to let myself fall apart, even if I may be splitting at the seams already. Besides, I can't, since the whole world would be looking on, if you know what I mean. I have a hell lot of things weighing heavily on my mind now, and right now, I just feel like dumping my brain into the ocean. Okay fine, not the wisest thing to do, since I would be needing my brain for Promos.

I really need to stop missing stuff and get on with life. It's just a pathetic excuse to stay put because I don't have the courage to face anything. If it was a great big fire-breathing dragon that I had to face, I really wouldn't mind. But sometimes, things are just more complicated than a fire-breathing dragon. Like, seriously.

Anyway, people have been leaving confused. More confused than I have been in a long time. And I'm wondering what I did wrong, and whether I can ever put it right again. But I promise you, if I could, I really would.

So there goes my life,
Passing by with every exit sign.
It's been so long,
Sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong.
No sleep tonight,
I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines.
And as the moon fades,
One moment gone, only twenty more days.
- Hello, I'm In Delaware, City and Colour


I really love this song, kinda describes what I'm feeling. And Dallas Green's voice is really great :))


Okay, chem calls, I can hear my periodic table screaming at me to come back.

escalating downwards,

I'm really not strong at all. And it shows. It's not even a subtle thing, it's a right-smack-in-your-face thing. Like a balloon. Soaring higher and higher up in the sky. Until a sharp tree branch gets in its way. It pops, and sinks back down to earth, never to float up again, never able to reach the clouds, never able to realise its dreams.

I love my yearmates. I really do. They are the ones who have kept me sane for four years, and probably another two more. They are more than just friends, really, they are the life of me. Maybe living on craziness isn't a very good idea, but I love them so very much <3

I'm five years old, It's getting cold, I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you're not scared of anything at all ('His strength is making me stronger')
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today.


I really want to jump into piles of golden leaves and skip through bright orange pumpkin fields without a care in the world. But I guess ignorance never gets anyone anywhere. Hmm, but do I really want to get somewhere?

I found all that I could ever want, wrapped in something I could never have.

I think I need to get my brain to accept the fact that promos are in 6 weeks. Oh, joy. ): And I really need to do well, which means I've got to get down to studying pronto. 

I wonder what makes people so sure of themselves. I probably need that. 

I've been tellin' my dreams to the scarecrow

'Bout the places that I'd like to see

I said, friend do you think I'll ever get there

Ah, but he just stands there smilin' back at me

- Born to Fly, Sara Evans

this is a very happy picture :))

Kk gonna continue doing math now. DISCIPLINEEEE

you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.

'I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind. At these times, I use the Pensieve.  One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure.' - Dumbledore

Hmm I think I really need a Pensieve. If only it did exist. All the thoughts zooming around in my head really need to be let out.

I'm really glad this past week is over. Tiring is, as usual, an understatement. But but I had so much fun this week, and I really wouldn't trade the memories for anything else. Like dancing with all the crazy csl people in front of the second-floor mirrors on monday. (Yes, mirrors.) Hehe that was about the most embarrassing thing ever but still it was so much fun. Although I guess I really don't have any dancing genes in me ohman.

And watching the teller and the tale with lingzhi the birthday gal on thursday. Going to acjc really just brought back all the memories with becky and there's something about the acjc campus that's really calming. And the show was really great, I'm so thankful to becky for introducing me to drama and I'm definitely gonna make plans to watch more shows by acsian theatre.

And after ISLE concert last night I guess it really hit me that I do love ISLE very much and my entire team too. Maybe I had a ton of misgivings at first, but right now, I'm feeling so glad for ISLE. I really can't wait for more to come. you never know how many hearts you touch~~

Have got a ton of work to finish but I'm a happy kid right now and nothing, not even work, can spoil this moment. All the lectures this week have been so taxing on the brain cells, hmm gosh they don't regenerate so I hope I haven't been losing too many. I still need them for all the exams coming up. SO INTENSEEEEE.

aww :)

13,

just stop for a minute and smile.

I'm finally back here again. So, the holidays have ended, school has started again, life has gone on. For the first time ever, I can't say I'm enjoying rj very much. Whatever happened to the days when I actually loved school, loved my friends, loved (almost) everything in my life. Don't get me wrong, I still love school very much, and I'm truly thankful for every opportunity that I have, but oh my goodness why is it that there are so many things that get on my nerves these days.


RJ is so much more materialistic, I swear. Everything revolves around numbers and numbers. If touching one person's life is a good thing, then touching one hundred lives must be a really great thing. I don't think it works that way, though. And if all the numbers and certs and diplomas don't already give some a major headache, others have to make it worse by rambling on and on about it. Hmm I think what sets some people apart from the masses (and I really respect such people) is the way they are able to see beyond all these tangible things in life to the not so tangible. And these people are just so genuine, so admirable, that they are so hard to come by.


To tell the truth, the next few weeks are gonna be pretty daunting. But I'm just gonna keep believing. And staying true to all my true friends. :D OKAY I'M GONNA FIND SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO EVERYDAY.

two is better than one :)

hello June, I'm so glad you're here.

If it really didn't matter, you wouldn't be spending so much time thinking about it.

So many things have happened and I have been putting off giving an update, so now I have no idea where to begin. But it's the hols now. Though there's so much catching up to be done, the only thing I've actually been catching up on so far is sleep hehe. But it's crazy how a quarter of JC life's now behind us, if I thought sec 4 passed by real fast, this must be the speed of an airplane, srsly. 

It's funny how when we were struggling through a late night rushing out a tutorial, or trying not to fall asleep in class, time seemed to drag on forever. But now, when we actually want time to slow down (SLOW DOWN ALREADY YOU HEAR ME), it doesn't listen. What I need now is a big red backward button that I can press to experience everything all over again, even the late nights, even the falling asleep in class. But there have been many little moments worth remembering and there are wonderful people in my life that I'll remember even if things change and we don't wave to each other along the corridors anymore. <3 I guess it's never that easy to forget people.   

The hols so far have been great, been trying to fit in some revision here and there. Why why why are exams in three weeks, I'm totally not in the mood for any studying, which is why I'm making really slow progress. Sigh. There's just so many things and people that I want to find time for. Oh yeah I was making a scrapbook the other day and GOSHHH I REALLY DO MISS BECKY SO MUCH. Haha okay fine it doesn't make any bit of sense but it just reminded me of all the scrapping I did for becky teeheehee. 

I really look up to people who have so many friends in their lives and yet can still find time for every single one of them. I wonder how they do it. 

OKAY OKAY. MATH CALLS. I THINK MY NEW BEST FRIEND IS MATH ISN'T THAT AWESUMMM :D :D

I wanna let all the sunshine into my life~

<3 <3

you paint the sky a crimson red

I walked across the crowded street.
A sea of eyes, they cut through me.
And I saw you in the middle.
Your upset face, you wear it well.
You camouflage the way you feel,
When everything's the matter.

We've all been down that road before.
Searching for that something more.
World's spinning 'round.
There's no sign of slowing down.
So won't you take a breath?
Just take a breath.

People change and promises are broken.
Clouds can move and skies will be wide open.
Don't forget to take a breath.

Blink our eyes, life's rearranged.
To our surprise, it's still okay.
It's the way things happen.
Summer comes and then it goes.
Hold on tight, and brace for cold.
And it's only for a moment.

These lyrics kinda describe my thoughts right now. It's like just when you think everything's perfect for that split second, it slips right out of your hands. And leaves you to wonder whether it was just a figment of your imagination after all. You move on though. But following that, everything's just normal. Because you've seen that perfect moment for yourself and nothing after that can ever come close to it. But there are so many moments in life still worth remembering though. 

Yes, back to reality, currently I have about a thousand and one things to do, but then being the unmotivated little brat I am today, the only thing I feel like doing now is sleeping. Which is technically one of the things on my to-do list heh. Gotta study for the bio lecture test next week. AND complete math and chem tutorials. And refine gpp and all that too. AHHH you know, if only my life didn't revolve around such stuff all the time, I honestly think I would be a much happier person. Need some sorta escape right about now, seriously, before everything actually drives me insane. Hawaii is definitely out of the question. So is Antartica. Though I think I might actually enjoy Antartica seeing that the weather has been getting on my nerves so bad these past few days. Hmm or maybe I should pack myself in a crate like those animals in Madagascar and see where the ocean takes me. Okay okay fine I'm kidding, it'll never work, not in a million years.

I was reading through my old livejournal and it got me thinking about things the way they used to be. I remember there was a time last year when certain people were so obsessed with Yale and certain others were so obsessed with Harvard hahahaha. Those times feel like a million light years ago. WHY IS JC SO DIFFERENT D: It's like an entirely different world with entirely different people. Even I feel different. I think my brain needs more time to get a grip on things. I feel like I need to talk to lingzhi more, when I'm talking to her, it feels like it's back to old times again. 

yes, I believe.

and now our adrenaline's rushing,

Oh my, CTs are coming soon. If that's supposed to freak me out, it's doing a very good job. A better job than I'd like to admit actually. And if it's any comfort, june hols are fast approaching too. Seriously, things are happening way too fast for my poor incompetent mind to process. Just a year and a half more and we would be thrown defenseless into the real world, having to make tough decisions. Oh well, I can't say I'm looking forward much to that. Going off to uni is another issue altogether, something I thought about so much last year but haven't had the time to these days. Hmm I'm getting a little sidetracked by the future. For now, the present calls. 

Well, currently, I'm pretty much confused by everything that's been happening in my life such that my mind has been in this jumbled state for the longest time. I have a terrible tendency to overthink and over-analyse things and it's not doing much for my sanity. And to top it all off, I'm so exhausted. As far as I know, the worst feeling in the world now is wanting to sleep but not being able to. I suspect it's been messing up my body clock but oh well. Anyway, I've been thinking (Oh my I need to stop thinking so much) whether I'm actually happy with who I am. Okay wait I'm making myself sound incredibly weird here but I'm really not. It's just that I've been letting myself hide in people's shadows lately and I fear it's becoming second nature or something. Haha I just conjured up an image of a Cheshire cat. Don't get me wrong, I definitely do not creep up on people. I'm just scared that I might appear to be as fleeting as the Cheshire cat to people. 

Okay okay all this thinking has got to go. Sheesh I've been telling myself that like only a million times.

On to much happier stuff, I met lynn today and she happily told me that sports fest is on 27th may this year and just about persuaded me to go back for it. It made me think back to those happy richard days and the cheering and screaming and all. Miss it so much. On a sidenote, I should be scared for tomorrow. Or should I say, later today.

more than ever now.

♥. And I really, really mean it, I swear. 
Class camp was one awesome experience. It's amazing how much I learnt about everyone and how much my perception of everything has changed. Though the cabins were really disgusting and the roof leaked on us more than a few times, I guess if I had to choose between school and ophir, I would choose ophir any day. Waterfall scrambling and abseiling and everything more than made up for the horror of the cabins and the toilets. (Haha I can still distinctly picture the look on everyone's faces at the state of the toilets.) And it was definitely 3E that made all the difference, looking back now, I really wouldn't have it any other way.  

love is a river I wanna keep flowing,

we're on the top of the world;

cabin no. 1!

It wasn't a mistake after all. Thank you :)

doing what I love, and loving it;

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
 
- What Faith Can Do by Kutless (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1JBSQMkQEo)

I just thought I should do a decent post before I head off to mount ophir for the rest of the week. Anyway, things have passed crazily fast. Almost one quarter of our JC lives are over but it really doesn't feel like it one bit. The thought of what's to come is frightening me more than ever but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. (If I actually get to it, that is.) I realise I've been making lots of decisions these days. I'm really not one for making decisions, because I am someone who thinks of opportunity costs way too much and it just messes everything up big time.

But I daresay becky would be proud of me if she were here now. Because I've been doing what I love, and that's all that matters, really. Being around the people I love, being happy, and just being me, I swear there's nothing more that I can ask for. And and becky's gonna come back end may for summer break!! I really really really can't wait to see her again, it's really been too long. 


do what you love and love what you do,

dodging the lemons

Life has been throwing lemons at me. With every single lemon successfully hitting me where it hurts the most. Well, Life's been a remarkably good marksman I must say. But at the same time, I feel so bruised all over, and right now this is the most terrible feeling in the world. Where's my optimism when I need it?

Well, life has been spinning out of my control recently, in more ways than one. You know, when one moment things are perfect, and the next thing you know, the perfection becomes a figment of your imagination. Sigh I shall stop contemplating and start feeling. I'm so tired. And not to mention stressed out. I'm kinda worried over the state of my econs seeing that there's a lecture test next week. To tell the truth, the next few weeks are gonna be pretty daunting I guess. Tough decisions, even tougher people to face. But I will make it through, that's for certain.

The truth is, one daunting part of my life now is surprisingly, my class. I really don't have the least idea why I'm just so wary around most of my classmates. It makes me wonder whether I even tried in the first place, because if I didn't, then I wouldn't have a right to feel this way, would I? I think my feelings show right smack on my face, which really doesn't help things. But I just can't act natural around my class, and there's really no one I can actually connect to (like on the same wavelength or something) and it just makes me feel even more insecure about things. OH MY GOSH STOP IT VERNA. 

I figured, it's not possible for me to be able to connect with every single person I meet. I've been really lucky, finding awesome people I can talk to. But I haven't been able to connect with lots of people, and it's incredibly disappointing. But I guess it's just a sad fact of life, not being able to connect with everyone. Maybe I need to try harder though.

Anyway, I'm surprised my brain hasn't turned into complete mush after the past few weeks. Lectures require lots and lots of brain power, because it's just so easy for me to drift off into my own little world.There's so much I have to do this weekend it's killing me. But I'm gonna take it one step at a time. AND I just wish I could go to boston, like right this moment. Sigh, I'm really hoping becky's coming back in may, so excited to see her again <3

there can be miracles, when you believe;

If you really want to know,

Surprisingly, no one ever complains about work these days. It's different now. I remember how in rg, everyone used to wallow in self-pity together, everyone would just moan and groan about how stressed we were. And that really did wonders in relieving all that pent-up stress. Knowing you're not alone, knowing you have friends who are experiencing exactly what you're experiencing definitely raises your self-esteem up a notch. But these days, though everyone's so uptight and tense, no one's willing to admit it. Everyone just appears too calm and relaxed on the surface, and it scares me big time.

It's all so messed up in a way that every word you utter might hold you guilty for something, or make you appear to be someone you're not. In other words, we're not just seen or heard, but judged. It's all about the image you want to project to others, and it's that same image that everyone's so concerned about lately. It has become a chore for me, contemplating my actions, being wary of what others might think of me. But there's so much at stake, too. 

I really need to have more heart-to-hearts with people, they are my sole reminder that there's still some sincerity stashed somewhere.

Oh man, what happened to those simple days?

I'm too afraid to admit it;

so tell me what I want to hear,

it's hard to pretend I don't care, when I really do,

I've had an amazing past couple of weeks, definitely the closest to perfect since term started. People have been surprising me again and again, and in good ways too. These are moments when I tell myself I have to forget everything that's been bothering me and remember that I'm happy where I am. With what I'm doing.

I told myself at the start of this year that I wanted to learn the guitar for becky. A part of me's wishing that I hadn't actually quit guitar already, as I'm definitely letting myself down in a huge way. And giving up is a sure sign of weakness, isn't it? But then there's the part of me that's feeling so proud of myself for quitting guitar and doing away with my unhappiness once and for all. I promise I'll learn the guitar on my own after As, I just really didn't enjoy the cca one bit, and I didn't exactly see a point in staying on and prolonging my unhappiness. 

I've been put in a nice class with really great people. Okay fine this is not exactly the best way to put it, but everyone's really unique and different in their own way, I guess that's probably why it took a bit longer for the ice to break at first. My OG has been meeting up, just met with them for all in the name of art (which was really good btw!), but sometimes the feeling I get is as though we're all perched on thin ice, with no idea of knowing when the ice will start to crack. It's a hard to explain, and I'll probably shouldn't say anymore, too, because I've a feeling it might come out all wrong. 

Anyway, there's really so much work to do this weekend, I'm fearing for my own sanity. I've got a long day today, so I shan't say anymore. Take care everybody :)

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need 
- Everything I Need, Kutless
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzYRUPiIvUE