cold chilly monday night

"And it was at that time that I thought about Thomas Jefferson writing the Declaration of Independence. Him saying that we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I thought about how he knew to put the ‘pursuit’ in there, like no one can actually have happiness, we can only pursue it." - The Pursuit of Happyness

Thankful for cold, chilly nights :-) contract in front of me while I type this, I've missed studying this late into the night and I'm thankful for this week cuz it means I can pull late nights without feeling like complete crap the next morning. Been pretty successful with the phone bans, yes I'll admit finals are turning me into an absolutely terrible texter but I love the feeling of not being overly dependent on technology (wow I'm totally gonna love nepal HAHA). It's pretty liberating knowing that I can just focus on studying this week :-) reading whatsapp groups has become a chore and lately I feel like throwing my phone out the window whenever I turn it on so I'd rather not. Sometimes it might just be better to live safely in oblivion HAHA 

HAHAHAHA okay I think I might be the total opposite of everyone but whatever

My december's packed to the maximum, nepal taking up 23 good days, gonna be turning 19 in a cold foreign place (a first!!!) and wishing I had more time for my friends. But nah not gonna let myself think about december yet, not when I've got tons of stuff to study. Scares me the amount of stuff I have to cover, but slowly but surely striking them off my list, okay I can do this :-)

Sick of caring too much, it's probably one of the things that wears me down the most. To hell with what people think srsly who are they to judge when they don't even know me. And who am I to judge too. Judging less = loving more :-) And okay call me weak call me 'bulliable' call me whatever you want there are reasons why I do the things I do and those reasons sure as hell don't include you. 

I can live with the fact that there are some people I tried but failed to please :-) 

okay back to studying 
miles to go before I sleep

Eleven eleven :-)

Things I'll never understand:

1. Why ppl study in school!!! (esp the school library) - there's this draining effect school has that I can't quite figure out and there's just so many ppl around how the hell dyou focus in a place like this! I secretly suspect studying in school is a trend thing, like cuz your friends are studying in school so you do it too. Kinda like a social norm? Something you do to fit in? OKAY I'm analysing and stereotyping way too much as usual HAHA but I'm perfectly comfortable at home nothing will make me drag myself to school hehe :-)

2. Superficiality - like yeah okay ppl need to stop making it so pointedly obvious that they only favour/bother talking to ppl who are pretty/smart/handsome like okay so do the rest of us have less to offer the world or smth?? Hahaha a bit blunt here but honestly I don't get why ppl act the way they do sometimes

3. Fluff mods!!!! aka ct twc that are complete life-ruiners )-; Plus trying to fix a structure on something as abstract as creativity??? No just no dude you don't know the first thing about creativity if you think it can be taught

4. Inefficiency!!!! O M G this literally drives me insane cuz I'm super anal about efficiency as of late. Considering 1. finals are coming and I am so pumped to start studying but fluff mods disrupt my schedule )-: 2. Group meetings are sooooo inefficient 3. Like helloooo twc may be your heaviest mod but it's my slackest so get to the point I don't have all day 4. Time to stop shoving it in my face that you have a lot to study!!! I probably have more but I'm not shoving it in your face am I?? (Plus I'm not complaining I actually like studying )-: )

5. Group meetings - I have lost complete faith in the efficiency of group meetings honestly sighpie just can't wait for it all to be over!!

6. Bidding - okay it's a brutal man-eat-man world time to save e dollars to avoid being the one on the losing end


Things to be grateful for (cuz there are always things to be grateful for):

1. SSU - thankful for this, thankful that the ppl so far have been so nice, thankful that I love what I'm doing, thankful that I now have something I can throw myself into (superficial but nice :-)) and thankful that it's not law-related at all (good escape)

2. Shan, Joy, Ianna - thankful that I got my AS class with them next sem, thankful that I have them to confide everything in, thankful that we'll see each other through law school :') and thankful that I found a group of friends I love more than anything here <3

3. Linda - thankful that I get what she's going through and that she gets what I'm going through and thankful that she's one of the few reminders that there are great ppl in this world :-) one of the first few friends I met in rj and so glad she's here with me or I'd probably be sooo lost

4. Lingzhi - which other friend bothers to travel all the way to smu to visit her friend who's can never find time to travel down to nus? Thankful that she can never stay mad at me for long, thankful that she forgives me for my shitty time lags in replying and thankful that she reminds me there's a world outside of smu :-)

5. Merciful profs + an amazing law class - grades better than I expected/deserved (?) and classmates that I love so very much and will miss terribly next sem <3 (yuching, anqi, annette, isabel, xinhoon, ppl to be thankful for)

6. Everything!!!!!

Okay gonna start work now back to crim verna :-)

ferris wheels + winged kites

People have been constantly taking my dignity away from me and it's okay because 1. I totally deserve it, and 2. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

And it's okay cuz I have no more dignity left anyway. 

So they can just take all the rest I have. 

And I promise I won't put up a fight.

If there's one thing this week and the last taught me, it's that I'm so weak, and probably will always be. 

And I think I have lost much of my faith in humanity. Was talking to linda about this today, how people trivialize the things that mean the world to us (aka interact and rc) and how people in uni are endlessly so materialistic they will never derive as much happiness out of serving people as we do. And that's totally okay because everyone has their own battles to fight. But I'm a firm believer that the battles you choose to take on defines the kind of person you are.

And ha ha what good are promises when people don't keep them? It's like a butterfly without wings or a kite without the string. There but not quite. People keep telling you things, you keep telling them things in return and in the end, it probably meant a whole lot more to you than it meant to them. It's unsettling because when you've bared yourself entirely, you realise that it probably wasn't a very wise choice because they end up trivialising you as a person and the things you believe in. 

No just no sigh. Some people will never understand.