dawn

It's been quite a long while since I last posted, and well, as always, lots of things have happened and are happening (I can't say for sure). Yes anyway, I thought it would be good to start off the new term with a post because, call me old-fashioned, but there's nothing a good bit a reflection can't cure. So, CT2s just ended, by just I mean like 4 days, which is a pretty short time, if you ask me. BUT (and there always is a but) school's starting up again tomorrow, and after a month and a half of studying at home, school just doesn't feel right. I've been doing so many things I love the past four days, and I feel pretty well-rested, although rest is relative and something I never ever get enough of. :)

I've been reading so many amazing books, books that make me feel like ripping my heart out after I finish them. But what I realised is that I get disillusioned very easily by books, and very, very overwhelmed. Somehow, I end up staying in that world that words create and it becomes very difficult to get my heart back in the right place. Which means that I kinda need to stop reading that much and pick it up after As, which makes me sad, really, but I seriously need some self-restraint.

Okay I just packed my file for tomorrow and happened to glance at this schedule thing that my teacher gave us at the start of this year, and it says prelims start 27th august. HELLO WHERE DID ALL MY TIME GO.   That's like in 2 months and I haven't even recovered from the shock of CTs yet. Okay time to study real hard, and dream even harder, because that's gonna be where my motivation stems from. Kkk smile on my face, spring in my step, I can do thisssssssss :)))

I'll paint your skies if you'll paint mine

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” - C.S. Lewis

But what if the things we're leaving behind are far greater than what lies ahead? What then?

  

I'm so afraid of what lies ahead and although telling myself this won't change a thing, I still tell myself anyway. I've experienced first hand how paralyzing fear is, it leaves you stuck in the middle, unable to return to the comforts of the past yet unwilling to face the future. I remember repeatedly telling myself last year that "I'll cross that bridge when I actually get to it" and it was comforting at that point in time, but now, it just feels we're moving closer and closer towards that bridge with no possibility of retreat. AHH I'M SO NEGATIVE IT KILLS ): And people tell me I'm little miss sunshine when I'm secretly a closet pessimist. 

Anyway. Aside from this great fear that I really have to get over soon, which I will (yay optimism!), so many wonderful things have been happening. Things have been falling into place, people have been amazing and I've been getting more sleep, more than the 4 hours a day thing that I used to survive on. Today was a happy happy day, other than it being the last day of term, which is a pretty sad thing if you ask me. I realise I have lovely classmates, I just never bothered to figure them out more, and regretfully, maaaybe one of my greatest regrets would be how I let opportunities like these slip past. Me stepping back, and expecting others to step forward when they actually step back even further. That's the thing about me: I never ever take the first step, and I really admire those who do. Lack of initiative and pure blindness on my part, I guess. Somehow, though, I really love these people even if I don't know them that well. I've always wondered how it worked yknow, how it's possible to not know someone well and yet love that person still. Now I get it. :)

Hehe today I remembered some of the stuff we talked about in vietnam and (this is such a girly thing to do but) I remembered we made lists of traits we wanted in our ideal guys. And I realised that my list has expanded since then hahahahahaha just goes to show how critical I'm getting. Ahhhh I want someone who would sing I See The Light (from Tangled) to me everyday I keep listening to it over and over again recently and it's the sweetest song ever!! Remind me to play it at my wedding k. And and someone who's a dreamer. And whom I can share silence with and still enjoy it. Haha you get the point. 

Sigh I miss vietnam ): what happened to the good old days when the kids in go vap meant the world to us and studies were pushed to the back of our minds. And Forever and Always (parachute!) and One Boy, One Girl (collin raye!) were playing on repeat in our heads :)

magical things

"In college, I used to underline sentences that struck me, that made me look up from the page. They were not necessarily the same sentences the professors pointed out, which would turn up for further explication on an exam. I noted them for their clarity, their rhythm, their beauty and their enchantment. For surely it is a magical thing for a handful of words, artfully arranged, to stop time. To conjure a place, a person, a situation, in all its specificity and dimensions. To affect us and alter us, as profoundly as real people and things do. 

I remember reading a sentence by Joyce, in the short story “Araby.” It appears toward the beginning. “The cold air stung us and we played till our bodies glowed.” I have never forgotten it. This seems to me as perfect as a sentence can be. It is measured, unguarded, direct and transcendent, all at once. It is full of movement, of imagery. It distills a precise mood. It radiates with meaning and yet its sensibility is discreet. 

When I am experiencing a complex story or novel, the broader planes, and also details, tend to fall away. Rereading them, certain sentences are what greet me as familiars. You have visited before, they say when I recognize them. We encounter books at different times in life, often appreciating them, apprehending them, in different ways. But their language is constant. The best sentences orient us, like stars in the sky, like landmarks on a trail." 

- My Life's Opinions, Jhumpa Lahiri

Sometimes, I wish I could write better, drown myself in pools and pools of beautifully crafted words. But unfortunately, I lack this ability and so my words never seem to hit the right note. I wonder what it feels like though, to write something that people read and go 'that's exactly what I thought', to be able to stir up such deep amazing emotions in people, yet so effortlessly. It must be a gift. And one that should be shared with everyone. Because the one thing we humans need most is to know that we're not alone.

Anyhow, I'm pretty glad this week's over, been breaking down so much I really don't quite know what's got into me. I think it's mainly because I put so much at stake for h3 that I really feel quite the idiot. There's so much of this thing called Life that I missed while cooped up in this wormhole called Biodiversity. And it's kind of ironic, isn't it? That after a whole term and a half of biodiversity, I should be greatly enlightened about the living world. Yet here I am, thoroughly confused about Life and feeling like the most shallow person ever. Or so my narcissistic self says. Ah really need to get a grip on myself; my problems are teeny they don't even deserve to be problems at all, not when there are millions out there with much bigger problems than mine.

It's crazy really how much we sympathize yet how little we empathize.
And there are the people who make things happen, without much of both at all.
Desperately need to empathize more, only through empathy can the things we make happen actually impact people. And impact them in the right way.

Okay off to sleep now, I have this humongous pile of math that I have accumulated from the days of studying for h3 and if there is any hope of it diminishing any time soon, my sleep needs have to be met first.

and still the world spins.

Hi world. You know, I really miss the times when everyone was genuinely happy. ): These days I just feel like I'm going through the motions of life and school, merely tolerating it rather than living it as I should be. Add in all the stress and the copious amounts of studying we've been doing and you get a bunch of bordering-on-crazy students. The thought of As is just too frightening for me to handle right now, though I have long accepted that fact. It's just pure insanity, taking that one exam to determine the rest of your life. How am I ever gonna get through it ): ok ok I am way too pessimistic lately, need some optimism back in my life!!

Anyway, life has been pretty good. Interact camp came and went, YGH came and went (and a whole lot of designing too), first term came and went. Met some pretty amazing people, had some pretty great experiences with great friends. Currently looking back at the past from time to time and deriving so much joy from the memories that I find myself smiling stupidly to myself on the way home. Hope I'm not being too vague here, but there's so much that has happened in the past months I can't even begin to describe them. I'm just very glad that I have friends standing by me all the time, really glad that I've discovered so many new friendships and rekindled old ones, and blessed that I have all these people to tide through As with. Not going to easy and nothing's guaranteed, but all I know is all of us will see the other side. Eventually. Just like how I thought CTs were going to be the death of me, but I proved myself wrong, emerged stronger, with a battle half-won. Everything's gonna go uphill from here, the gravity of everything's set in, the urgency to prove ourselves always at the back of our minds. But we're definitely more than okay.

Fact of life. But the hunger games was soo good :)

cmon

Currently pretty excited for Interact Camp later! We're definitely gonna make this work. <3

'Cause even the stars they burn.

But if something was really important, fate made sure it somehow came back to you and gave you another chance.


Busy week finally over, it's time to hit the books and start studying for CTs proper. The amount of bio and chem we have to study is freaking insane, I'm going crazy just looking at the list. Motivation please come to meeee. Now would be a good time, actually.


On a sidenote, the Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up lyric video is breathtaking omg. I seriously had to replay it to make sure it was real.

save regrets for the broken

"Two facts about my favourite things: I like being alone because that is when I am most reflective. I like being with people because this is when I get the most inspired. I am a walking contradiction."

First week back at school and I feel like I've been completely drained of any energy. No kidding, school is terribly exhausting. Absolutely, positively exhausting. And it's not just because our homeroom's on the sixth floor. Or because I have officially given up scrambling for the lifts in the morning. Ahh I'm so tired, and there's like a whole pile of stuff to do, I wonder if exhaustion has limits ):

Yes, gotta do away with all the unnecessary judging and start recognising people for who they are. I have really nice people in my life, I realised, and they are all too nice to me that sometimes I don't even believe it's possible. Makes you feel loved, but sometimes, it makes you feel so lonely. Like their being nice to you is an obligation of some sort. Okay I should stop trying to take apart the so-called 'niceness' and go rest my overworked brain for a bit.

better days

Hi world first day of school tomorrow!! I'm probably the total opposite of an excited enthusiastic kid right now. Anyway this year, I'm gonna be extra hardworking and put that extra bit in whatever I put my mind to. And. I'm gonna cross bridges when I actually get to them instead of having a million little worries swimming in my head. Which basically means stop worrying so much. And I guess everything else will naturally fall into place, wouldn't they? :>

so true so true!! my judgement's so messed up these days.