fixing fixation.

Life has this way of making me feel completely drained and wiped at times, yet so bright and jumpy at others. I really like it when I'm bright and jumpy, it's when I start noticing the happier stuff around me, like how white and fluffy the clouds were today :DD

When we convince ourselves hard enough, we might end up believing what we want to believe. And for me, this happens way too often because half the time, I'm trying to convince myself that everything isn't as bad as it seems. Anyway, I just really wish I hadn't been that mean and ignorant and all. ): What hurts the most is knowing that you let what could've been a great friendship slip out of your grasp just like that. It's heart-wrenching not because I care, but because I have to act like I don't. It's painful, even. Trying to pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together but for one, the glue isn't permanent, and for another, I'm really not very good at fixing things. Please just tell me the glue will hold.

Okay anyway I really have so much to be thankful for. It catches me by surprise how much believing can really help. Okay it might just sound too cliched and all, the 'believe in youself' line repeated over and over until it's on replay in your head, but seriously, no one truly knows how to believe until you really feel it for yourself. That's why I've been telling people to believe, believe, believe, because in such a cold, dark world, it's the only thing keeping us sane.

forgive me, will you? ):

rekindled hope.

It's funny how much you can remember without even trying, yet when you actually try, like memorising tons and tons of stuff for bio, you can't seem to remember much at all. Our brains works in the weirdest ways, subtly hinting that we should be getting our priorities straight. I guess many of us tend to get caught up chasing our personal dreams and aspirations, so much so that ignorance becomes the natural, convenient solution to everything else that we don't have the time for. It's somewhat selfish, but not entirely unreasonable, don't you think? A privilege, perhaps, that we are here chasing rainbows and butterflies when some may not even have the strength to stand up on their two feet, let alone run. Maybe rekindling hope for these people means just as much as achieving your goals, and maybe even more, really.

This is just another random thought: it scares me how some people put way too much emphasis on their goals. They bulldoze their way through, destroying everything remotely human in the process. Like trust and love and friendship. Scary, really, how much some people will do.

Whee I like bubbles. Haha deprived childhood, perhaps. But they're really such pretty objects, dontcha think!! All that hope captured in a tiny little bubble floating skywards~

october breezes.

Lonely. And I really haven't got a right to be. Not when there are lonlier people.

I think maybe I'm afraid to be alone. But those who are afraid end up being the loneliest people. Which probably makes me one of the loneliest people in the world. ):

People's lives are scary. And that's just because their lives are far bigger, far greater than I could ever imagine. Could never match up to it, will never match up to it, and wait, why do I even want to match up to it. Doesn't make sense, all this. Perhaps I need to throw on an invisibility cloak and just watch it all from the sidelines.

And surprisingly, I am happy. :) Today made me happy. Running around with little kids around amk park made me happy. I want to lie on grass, look at the sky, admire the clouds and never get up again. Funny how things so perfect are so ephemeral. 

counting, counting, counting,

scars like secret road maps.

Finally finally finally. They are over. (Not for good though, but for now.) Studying has been rather fulfilling, though not half as much as wasting time for the sake of it is hehe. I don't know how I go through all this unscathed, but I do anyway, and everyone does. Just like how even the darkest storms pass, and the sun shines ever so brightly again, if not brighter. Been telling myself that each and every day the past week, and all these little streaks of optimism combined have been getting me through the most insane stuff. But studying is really not as bad as it sounds (okay wait who said it sounded bad?), it's just not something I would choose to do for a pastime, or a lifetime. Okayokay I really should stop, life is so good now, I feel like I've conquered the world (but if exams were the world, then the world would be a really bleak and meaningless place, just saying~).

You know what, this is the sweetest feeling I've felt in a long time, but really, if we needed exams to dig out such feelings from the depths of us, then it doesn't make much sense at all.

I'm overthinking things again. I've a tendency to do that when my brain is not memorising equations or shapes of parabolas and ellipses. Not good, because one thing leads to another and another and another (okay this sounds totally wrong but yea you get what I mean.)

And these days, lots of people have been telling me what they want to do with their lives. I really haven't got a single clue what I want, and honestly, I don't think that's a bad thing. I think everyone has dreams, and these dreams might spark off something more in you, so it's probably a natural thing right. It will eventually come. When you're ready. Only when you're ready. Just like how your period comes when you're mentally ready to accept it. OKAY OKAY BAD EXAMPLE VERNA BAD EXAMPLE. Anyway, I highly doubt I'm ready yet, a little part of me still wants to a disney princess, while there's this grown-up, matured part of me that knows that's highly impossible. And from time to time, I still let my mind wander to beautiful hazelnut horses galloping into the sunset through golden pumpkin fields. Such pretty dreams I have. You know pragmatism has been so deeply ingrained in each and every one of us that our minds work in such synchronised, robotic ways. But just letting my mind wander and not doing anything about it just goes to show what an absolute failure I am at rebelling against it.

I really love so much of the people in my life, and yes I'm really grateful too. I feel like killing myself everytime I admire the roses in someone else's garden when there are so many pretty roses right under my windowsill. Just goes to show how very blind we are. Very blind. And I'm learning. We're all learning.

Woahh so much thinking I've been doing, but moral of story is I have to be more appreciative of the little things, because after all, it's the little details that define us. The big things are merely the borders that surround these little details. When you look at a painting, it's the little details that catch your attention, not the borders. The same little details that you thought were not as important as the big ones. And the same little details that might scar you forever. I might be going a bit too far off, but really, don't lose sight of the small things just because the big picture's already formed. Ten pieces missing from a jigsaw puzzle is just as noticeable as one little missing piece. OKAY YES ENOUGH.

Oh my had night service again today, and I have really missed all the people so much, like really. See, I have such beautiful roses underneath my windowsill :DD