fake it to make it

Summer is looking pretty good with zurich to end it all off! Although it means I have less time in sg with the ppl I love, I suppose it's a fair exchange cuz I get to see places I've only dreamt about thus far :-) plus I'm kinda embracing the thought of travelling alone (technically) and escaping the staleness of singapore

Craving freshness like all the time now / getting restless more easily with each passing day although I honestly have the bestest ppl in my life right now / need more things to channel more efforts into that's actually something I can actually call my own (o m g I'm typing with slashes this is joy's doing!!!! her typing style has been slowly rubbing off on me the past six months. but not that I'm complaining though he he)

Though I dislike smu with an intense passion a lot of the time, happiness can still be found in the worst places. I guess I've finally found my own little grass patch of happiness here, one that I can actually call my own. One that I have carefully drawn the boundaries of. Just crossed my mind how much like grass relationships/friendships are; they yellow if we don't tend to them, pretty much like how this patch of happiness might slip out of my grasp as easily as it entered. 

Made soooo many bad decisions the past year, decisions I might have to live with for yet another year. It's physically painful, and what hurts is that the ppl I trust in most will never completely understand. Sobz really want to drop it all and escape (this is where the zurich part comes in I suppose)

smu taking away the bits of sincerity left in me cuz the competition's all too real and sometimes you just got to fake it to make it )-: hate this but better to learn it sooner than later

okay shall stop being a puddle of moodiness I really do love the fact that it's summer and I have time (TIME IS NOT OF THE ESSENCE NO MORE BYE CONTRACT)

#truth

end of year 1

end of finals / start of summer

for all the stress/trauma smu has been so far, a part of me still remains grateful for the friendships it has provided me with, esp in the gloomiest times. friendships that (I hope) will last me the rest of my life

the last sem was definitely not a walk in the park, the coming sems even more trying, but I'm just glad for the people who've accepted me at my worst, and whom I clearly don't deserve at my best :-)

my extreme indifference towards certain things seems to have magnified over the course of the last sem. a good change, no doubt, from when I used to care way too much about what people thought. more room for myself to figure out what actually makes me happy, and to rid my life of those that don't. but ok maybe not completely.

sudden wave of social interaction has me extremely drained I don't think this is a lifestyle I'm used to. there are so many things I do that don't make sense to me, yet I still do them anyway, wow I really defy my own logic at times..

free time has been great, but not when you're tied down to a million and one things

but I guess for the first time in the last 15 weeks, I can really truly say that I feel happy.

week 9

tried to go down an up escalator today and didn't even realise till I walked onto it

so effing done with this week

yes to anywhere but here

The shittiest I've felt in weeks my throat feels like it might give way I actually kinda like not having a voice saves me the trouble of working up the courage to talk to ppl

Hating things now stop taking away the things that mean most to me it hurts letting things get the better of me I honestly am too tired to put up a fight have given every ounce of energy it's still never enough

Writing in run-on sentences cuz this is precisely how this sem feels like - a constant struggle with no hope of ever seeing the end. april feels way too long away not sure how long I can keep this up not very long I bet

Forcing myself to study contract this is so so painful I just need sleep need to escape the world

yuching: "we need a break from school. I suggest boracay"
me: "yes to boracay." "yes to anywhere but here."

crash and burn

gotta press on gonna conquer this mountain called tort I don't care

skandinaviska nettleship v weston wooldridge wagon mound no 2 bolam bolitho gunapathy deutsche bank see toh siew kee sunrise crane tv media go dante yap bolton v stone spandeck spandeck spandeck all this overwhelms me

waikiki at the end of the week to top it all off (good / bad I'm not sure)

I just want the pain of this week to end

bad days made good :')

stress bordering on irrational annoyance, anger and insanity )': 

the things keeping me sane are sometimes the most unexpected ones - didn't have my wallet on me today (what happens when I leave the house sooo preoccupied) and my ezlink card ran out of cash. was on the verge of a panic attack when this kind kind lady fished out 10 bucks and gave it to me. asked for her bank account number so I could return the money but she told me to just take it as angpao money :'') was so touched I could've started crying there and then - there is good in this world after all :') thank you kind lady :'') noting this in my head as a reminder to do good and be kind :')

And I was entertaining the prospect of skipping dinner cuz I didn't have cash on me and I was too late to have dinner at home. But my dad came over to the train station to pass me money so that I could buy food home :') love my parents :'')

not gonna complain about staying in school till 9 doing contract cuz ppl are good and it makes up for all the bad in my life, really :')

on a sidenote was thinking today how little some things are worth to me and the realization is somewhat sad but not entirely unexpected. resolving to channel my heart into the right places from here on out. 

anyway I was thinking today (yeah I do too much thinking) how my respect for some people has multiplied tenfold ever since nepal :') I rly miss paul my annoyingly wise older brother and I realise I respect him for doing things the way he does them and for being one of the few ppl I look up to most in smu (somehow the thought of him respecting becky as much as I do and liking taylor swift as much as I do is comforting :-)) And mag the ever talented friend who is amazingly artsy and will prolly revolutionize the floral industry heh I'm not even kidding :-) plz go check out floralsbym.com and support this beautiful project!!!! 

Typing this on my phone as I'm having dinner before I go back to work sigh

Got bgs in the morning two days in a row comms ball sat night contract wr chionging on sun plus

legal memo + tort readings + contract readings + tort midterm to study for

the intensity of all this is almost too hard to bear but I'm okay I'm okay 

haven't scrapbooked in the longest time, but when I do it's the best therapy in the world :-) so glad for ppl who give me reasons to scrap

OKAY BACK TO WORK

I might be okay / but I'm not fine at all

January's almost over, and I haven't even had the time to do a proper 2014 post yet since school started. Exhaustion is no longer a mere feeling anymore, it has become an inherent part of my personality at this point and I don't remember the last time I ever truly not felt tired. 2014 has been extremely trying so far, going through the motions without feeling much, except maybe the pain of struggling to hold everything up plus the overwhelming worry that it'll all give way. Law mods this sem really the toughest yet, not just content-wise, but profs-wise too. Not really enjoying much of anything right now (hopefully that'll change though) and doesn't help that the profs have so much higher standards that we try and yet again fail to meet. But 2014 has had its fair share of happiness - insanely blessed to have the right people in my life and just knowing that deep down, the timing was right :-)

Haven't properly wrapped up December yet, but perfect is the first word that comes to mind. Nepal was beautiful, in all the ways you can think of. The people were amazing - the Nepalese kids probably gave me more than I gave them, and as much as I feel bad that I couldn't give them as much as I wanted to, I'm just glad that they could sense our love and dedication, and I guess love was ultimately the best gift we could ever give them. Universal language and all :-) I miss the peace, the solitude, the simplicity. I miss nature (hating technology more and more by the minute, though a necessity, I admit); I miss smiling and laughing and actually meaning it. Most of all, I miss the team and I miss the connection we had over in nepal, something I doubt we can ever replicate back here.

Okay enough of living in the past, right now I'm just thankful for my family and friends. CNY has been a flurry of visiting and tons of catching up - the best part is just forgetting work/school and actually having fun. (is is just me or is fun a foreign concept now) But now that it's 4am on a saturday night gotta hit the books and catch up on the pile of readings (including those I put on hold for tort proj last week). Oh yes plus I'm super grateful for joy shan and ianna they make law school so much more tolerable in fact they make smu so much more tolerable the world needs more people like them :-) And for colz + almo too they make ssu so much more tolerable if not doing this for them I'm not sure for who honestly

It's 4am (OK second time I'm saying this but it's rly quite late??) and I've rly gotta go to bed. Anyway I've discovered all too well has the best lyrics, was listening to it on the car home and appreciating how lyrical it is


Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days

And I know it's long gone
And that magic's not here no more
And I might be okay
But I'm not fine at all

'Cause there we are again on that little town street.
You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Baby we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

xx

leavin on a jetplane

1. Finals are over!!! (aka no more readings for the next month)
2. Leaving for nepal in approx 4 hours!!!!!

Too many exclamation marks describe exactly how I'm feeling right now! although I'm all kinds of worried too but gonna cross those bridges when I get to them.

On another note, I chucked so many amazing songs into my ipod while packing last night and feelin so renewed now cuz I kinda put music on hold for the past two weeks (along with my social life and bits of my sanity).

Spending christmas (!!!) in nepal, see y'all in 23 days :)

cold chilly monday night

"And it was at that time that I thought about Thomas Jefferson writing the Declaration of Independence. Him saying that we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I thought about how he knew to put the ‘pursuit’ in there, like no one can actually have happiness, we can only pursue it." - The Pursuit of Happyness

Thankful for cold, chilly nights :-) contract in front of me while I type this, I've missed studying this late into the night and I'm thankful for this week cuz it means I can pull late nights without feeling like complete crap the next morning. Been pretty successful with the phone bans, yes I'll admit finals are turning me into an absolutely terrible texter but I love the feeling of not being overly dependent on technology (wow I'm totally gonna love nepal HAHA). It's pretty liberating knowing that I can just focus on studying this week :-) reading whatsapp groups has become a chore and lately I feel like throwing my phone out the window whenever I turn it on so I'd rather not. Sometimes it might just be better to live safely in oblivion HAHA 

HAHAHAHA okay I think I might be the total opposite of everyone but whatever

My december's packed to the maximum, nepal taking up 23 good days, gonna be turning 19 in a cold foreign place (a first!!!) and wishing I had more time for my friends. But nah not gonna let myself think about december yet, not when I've got tons of stuff to study. Scares me the amount of stuff I have to cover, but slowly but surely striking them off my list, okay I can do this :-)

Sick of caring too much, it's probably one of the things that wears me down the most. To hell with what people think srsly who are they to judge when they don't even know me. And who am I to judge too. Judging less = loving more :-) And okay call me weak call me 'bulliable' call me whatever you want there are reasons why I do the things I do and those reasons sure as hell don't include you. 

I can live with the fact that there are some people I tried but failed to please :-) 

okay back to studying 
miles to go before I sleep

Eleven eleven :-)

Things I'll never understand:

1. Why ppl study in school!!! (esp the school library) - there's this draining effect school has that I can't quite figure out and there's just so many ppl around how the hell dyou focus in a place like this! I secretly suspect studying in school is a trend thing, like cuz your friends are studying in school so you do it too. Kinda like a social norm? Something you do to fit in? OKAY I'm analysing and stereotyping way too much as usual HAHA but I'm perfectly comfortable at home nothing will make me drag myself to school hehe :-)

2. Superficiality - like yeah okay ppl need to stop making it so pointedly obvious that they only favour/bother talking to ppl who are pretty/smart/handsome like okay so do the rest of us have less to offer the world or smth?? Hahaha a bit blunt here but honestly I don't get why ppl act the way they do sometimes

3. Fluff mods!!!! aka ct twc that are complete life-ruiners )-; Plus trying to fix a structure on something as abstract as creativity??? No just no dude you don't know the first thing about creativity if you think it can be taught

4. Inefficiency!!!! O M G this literally drives me insane cuz I'm super anal about efficiency as of late. Considering 1. finals are coming and I am so pumped to start studying but fluff mods disrupt my schedule )-: 2. Group meetings are sooooo inefficient 3. Like helloooo twc may be your heaviest mod but it's my slackest so get to the point I don't have all day 4. Time to stop shoving it in my face that you have a lot to study!!! I probably have more but I'm not shoving it in your face am I?? (Plus I'm not complaining I actually like studying )-: )

5. Group meetings - I have lost complete faith in the efficiency of group meetings honestly sighpie just can't wait for it all to be over!!

6. Bidding - okay it's a brutal man-eat-man world time to save e dollars to avoid being the one on the losing end


Things to be grateful for (cuz there are always things to be grateful for):

1. SSU - thankful for this, thankful that the ppl so far have been so nice, thankful that I love what I'm doing, thankful that I now have something I can throw myself into (superficial but nice :-)) and thankful that it's not law-related at all (good escape)

2. Shan, Joy, Ianna - thankful that I got my AS class with them next sem, thankful that I have them to confide everything in, thankful that we'll see each other through law school :') and thankful that I found a group of friends I love more than anything here <3

3. Linda - thankful that I get what she's going through and that she gets what I'm going through and thankful that she's one of the few reminders that there are great ppl in this world :-) one of the first few friends I met in rj and so glad she's here with me or I'd probably be sooo lost

4. Lingzhi - which other friend bothers to travel all the way to smu to visit her friend who's can never find time to travel down to nus? Thankful that she can never stay mad at me for long, thankful that she forgives me for my shitty time lags in replying and thankful that she reminds me there's a world outside of smu :-)

5. Merciful profs + an amazing law class - grades better than I expected/deserved (?) and classmates that I love so very much and will miss terribly next sem <3 (yuching, anqi, annette, isabel, xinhoon, ppl to be thankful for)

6. Everything!!!!!

Okay gonna start work now back to crim verna :-)

ferris wheels + winged kites

People have been constantly taking my dignity away from me and it's okay because 1. I totally deserve it, and 2. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

And it's okay cuz I have no more dignity left anyway. 

So they can just take all the rest I have. 

And I promise I won't put up a fight.

If there's one thing this week and the last taught me, it's that I'm so weak, and probably will always be. 

And I think I have lost much of my faith in humanity. Was talking to linda about this today, how people trivialize the things that mean the world to us (aka interact and rc) and how people in uni are endlessly so materialistic they will never derive as much happiness out of serving people as we do. And that's totally okay because everyone has their own battles to fight. But I'm a firm believer that the battles you choose to take on defines the kind of person you are.

And ha ha what good are promises when people don't keep them? It's like a butterfly without wings or a kite without the string. There but not quite. People keep telling you things, you keep telling them things in return and in the end, it probably meant a whole lot more to you than it meant to them. It's unsettling because when you've bared yourself entirely, you realise that it probably wasn't a very wise choice because they end up trivialising you as a person and the things you believe in. 

No just no sigh. Some people will never understand.

things I hold close to heart

Itching to write again because so many things have been making my days so much more worth living!! So I'm typing this on my way home. Pictures below, but they include so many texts and tweets from my kids, which reduce me to a pile of mush every time I read them. How did I ever get so lucky to have met a bunch of kids who touched my life as much as I've touched theirs :')

Anyway, I was reading through my old emails from becky again today and I found the one dating back to 2010 when she was giving me advice for batch talk. Back when I was small and scared and couldn't even bring myself to talk in front of hordes of my batchmates. Her exact words were, "you don't need anything but your sincerity, friend. as long as you mean what you say, that in itself is your power to influence." (Pic below) I guess those words never left me since that day and it's been almost four years. But the past ten months (or even two years), I haven't had time to reflect and think about the reasons behind what I do what I do and perhaps I've made some mistakes, but a whole lot of good came out of that too. And I firmly believe Becky's 'sincerity', drive and passion, the traits that I endlessly respected her for back in rg, somehow rubbed off on me too.

1) serving kids in csl the 2 years I was in rj - taught me patience, love, kindness and respect for the simplest human beings and the cutest ones too :-)

2) teaching 2/3 and 2/5 in gss and making the best memories a teacher-cum-student like me will ever make - taught me to love my kids unconditionally no matter how many times they screwed up, made me love watching bball (cuz all my bball boys make me so proud), helped me understand what it truly means to be there for my kids, and touching their lives
And the best part is, I honestly never thought they'd still remember, up till now :-)

3) sports camp/YOLO camp/law camp/SMUX camp - showed me how superficial uni could be on one extreme, yet showed me sincerity is still possible and should be something we all continually strive towards. Taught me to never judge, just accept and that people never turn out to be what you first imagine. And taught me that some ppl just aren't worth the effort so quit trying :-)

4) isle vietnam - taught me sincerity, sincerity and more sincerity. Cuz even kids on the verge of death can tell when you truly mean the things you do for them. And there's so much joy in knowing you made the last few hours of a person much more bearable, much more painless. :-) taught me about life, death and the in-betweens cuz having seen death, somehow life becomes so much more precious to you :-)

5) rgsrcy (okay not within the past two years, but still worth mentioning) - hands down the best four years of my life. Yearmates are probably the best friends I've made and will ever make :-) fd trainings under the sun thrice a week for fdc, arts fest prac twice a week, trainings and pt twice a week, things I'll never forget for as long as I live. The part of my life I hate most when ppl trivialize it cuz it meant the world to me. Taught me discipline, strength, courage, taught me to be respected and to respect and taught me love, passion, commitment and how love can bring ppl tgt and bond them as a team :-)

6) namaste - the next big thing in my life and the one I srsly hope I can bring sincerity to :-) cuz it's no longer just all that Becky would ever want for the world, but now, it's all I would ever want for the world too. like idk maybe if she were here now, she'd be happy that everyone's doing the little bit they can. as much as I wish she were, I'm just glad there's this part of me that'll always be touched by her :-) and a part of me that I can translate into tangible, concrete action.

anyway the point of my post is cuz somehow somewhere, someone realised I needed a timely reminder of the things I have to keep holding close to my heart, and to never ever lose sight of the bigger things in life. Hahahaha kinda was super glad + relieved today to hear that STAND UP RG and STAND UP AC are all still in operation, owing to becky of course, such that her legacy still lives on no matter where she goes :') maybe it's about time a STAND UP SMU was started too HAHAHAHAHA

the good die young / but the great will always last

'It's just I don't feel like explaining to ppl how much it means to me so I don't mention it at all'
Like I don't think it's fair or even possible to condense the four best years of my life in a single sentence so I'd rather just not bring it up at all.
'Like I think some ppl don't deserve to know the important parts of me.'
Because not being able to appreciate the importance of it in my life is akin to not knowing it at all. If there's one thing I can't take, it's ppl trivializing things that mean the world to me.

I'm on the verge of being crushed by all the things life is throwing my way and it's not funny anymore )-: and cuz I rarely say I'm dying, so when I do tell people I'm dying, I kid you not. But honestly I'm okay there's no reason to get all worked up, I've done this before and I can do this again.

Anyway I've just got to tell the world this!!! My senior was classmates with Becky in ac omg is this the part where my life and the life she left behind converges HAHAHAHA I'd like to think so :) the world is too small. but yeah okay little things like this can make my day my life must be quite bleak ha ha

So glad lz still texts me it's her sense of humour that helps me get through life :) srsly don't know what I'd do without her!!! I rly rly miss school now esp seeing all the pics of uniform day on insta!! I don't think I was ever ready for uni and a part of me prolly will never be. But ok verna you need to focus on the present stop going back to the past when the present gets tough!!!!

I actually kinda miss volunteering at csl too all those kids could make my day happy no matter how bad it was :-) oh boy life has changed so much in the span of a year

If today's the day I die/ lay me down under the lights/ let me fall in love/ let me save a life
And let me lose my voice/ singing all my favorite songs/ let me stare up at the stars/ cuz it's where we all belong

Lz is too funny I rly have to give her some credit

blur of traffic

sonder
n. "the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."


Dying for this week to end cuz there's just too much to look forward to on Friday!! But there's all the obligations + things I must do before I get there ): sometimes I think I expect too much from myself, and I end up feeling bad I can't live up to it, even when I know it's physically impossible to, i.e. be in two places at once

I just hope people are more forgiving so that I can start forgiving myself

OH YEAH HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY to all my darling kids and yearmates and juniors and all the people I love v v much!! Ahhhh too precious :')

cheers to the freakin weekend

b r e a k i n g ) :

but itsokay I can put myself back tgt.

stop comparing stop judging stop complaining alr what good do ppl get out of it srsly. I don't get how ppl function with so much hate. in fact I don't get how the world functions with so much hate.

okay no time to feel think write go back to your texts verna

what could have been & what will be

Never thought I would end up in smu, much less in law school, but the past month hasn't let me down at all. I'm beginning to think I made the right decision coming here after all. Still remember making a hell lot of fancy plans to study in imperial/ucl/ucla just a while ago (and wasting a hell lot of money holding those places too sigh) but then subsequently abandoning every last one of them in the same month. A year ago, I would've thought this meant "settling for something less than I was capable of", but I guess I look at things differently now that I'm out of rj , and not constantly surrounded by people who had dreams ten times greater than their actions. But on hindsight, law's a noble choice, perhaps a part of me ended up choosing practicality over passion in the end, but who cares, I plan to study hard, make my time in law school worthwhile and figure out my passion along the way. Plus I'm so glad my parents have been so freaking supportive of me :)

Anyway, I've been having so many experiences lately, going for camps and making friends and just generally being a social human being (and hopefully succeeding hahaha). Sports camp set my standards real high, I'll admit, but smux camp, law camp and ftb honestly did not fall far behind, and the people I met have been nothing short of amazing. All extremely different, but in the best possible ways.

But one thing that irks me here is how people are so quick to judge, even those whom I never pegged as superficial end up unpleasantly surprising me (and I'm perhaps also guilty of judging). Like I don't understand how they can automatically classify people into a certain category just based on the way they look/act. And how just because people look/act a certain way, it automatically makes them less desirable as a friend?? How does this even make sense? The one thing about uni that scares me the most (probably even more so than the workload) are the friends (or the lack of them???). Like back in jc I guess I was really blessed to have real friends who had my back every single time. In uni, you can have a million friends, but how many of them would actually have your back at the end of it all?

Approx three weeks left till school starts! Gonna make the last few weeks of freedom count :)

Also, I tend to fall for people I know I'll never be good enough for. Hurts more than anything knowing you're not the one they'll pick. Why do I bring this upon myself ahahahaha okay I laugh at myself a lot

sports camp + stuff :)

Sports camp last week marked the start of uni life, I feel fifty shades darker after camp, no kidding, like even this kid noticed today and shouted at me "CHER WHY YOU SO BLACK NOW!" (to that I replied "WHAT BLACK"). HAHAHAA okayy about time I started realising the importance of sunblock.

This camp's probably something I'll remember the rest of my years in school, not just cuz of the friends made (they WERE pretty awesome) /sports played, but also cuz I experienced things I've never experienced in my entire life (good/bad thing you decide). Like, I'm not even exaggerating. If there was one thing that my six years as a rafflesian did not teach me, it was how to act in such social situations (aka the party/clubbing scene). Not just how to act, but how to not be so awkward/out of place/stick out like a sore thumb (okay a million phrases came to mind so I just had to type them out). I guess I kinda felt bad on everyone's behalf that I was being such a child and robbing them of the good time they could've had if they didn't have to stop and ask me every ten seconds whether I was okay. And at the same time, I felt bad for myself for not having as much fun as everyone else was (okay this part was me being a complete child). But srsly I don't get how I am the only person in the world who doesn't know how to club sighhh I have a lot to learn (yingx promised to teach me!!!)

But sports camp was fun, it's the kinda thing you look back on and remember only the good parts :) and I'm so glad em made me sign up for it. Have always been a strong believer in the "people come into your life for a reason" theory, and well it pretty much sums this up. Insanely blessed to have been a part of this camp :))

OKAY SMUX CAMP ON FRI! needa start packing early if not I'm gonna end up with three hours of sleep again. which, knowing myself, I probably will. 

Oh yes went back to school today to find myself table-less HAHAAHAHAHA can you imagine the look on my face when I realised my old table has been taken over and completely invaded. Maybe this is a sign that I should be leaving soon, I don't even have a proper permanent place in the staff room anymore.

I need to update more often. First off, to prevent myself from becoming completely illiterate, and second, so that I remember the bits and pieces of life, instead of just the huge events. AND YES my kids have cdiv bball matches soon which means I can go down to ccab to support them again, watching bball sure is addictive hehehe.

your string of lights are still bright to me.

Been ages since I last wrote something worth reading. Been ages since I last felt something worth feeling. And I shall attempt to organise my thoughts while everything still cuts raw and deep. Funny how sadness is as much a feeling as happiness is, and how you can't embrace happiness without automatically acknowledging that sadness will be a part of it too.

Honestly, I love being in greenridge. That last week of school was especially precious: I loved that I have something in my life that's worth every ounce of my energy. I loved that I had something worth waking up to everyday and that I can fall asleep happy every night. And I don't think I'll ever feel this strongly for anything ever again. I'm no teacher, definitely not trusted with math, but I'm just glad I've been a decent friend. That was all that mattered to me anyway. Sigh okay I'm in serious shit. This is what six months in the same place does to you: you start anchoring roots and you start feeling safe and comfortable being you again. Perhaps that's why knowing it'll be taken away all too soon leaves this giant lump in my throat and an even greater emptiness in my heart. Is it even possible to keep them in my life while I carry on with the rest of my life?? I sure hope so.

This eight-month long 'summer' break's (only because it's forever summer in sg) gonna end soon, and I'm so not ready for this next chapter of my life. Everyone seems to be set on where they are going, already making a ton of plans and signing up for camps and housing and whatnot, while I'm still left here hanging, thinking about what to do with my life and finding comfort in the one thing that has meant so much to me the past few months. Does it even make sense?? Studying overseas has been what I always wanted, but what if there are people here that makes studying locally much more worth it? Studying law was never what I had in mind, but what if it's more rewarding than I actually thought? Ughhh still so uncertain and I don't trust myself to make the right decision on an issue as important as my future.

I find myself being more and more careless about what I say lately, like I suddenly say stuff without thinking and people get mad and they don't want me in their lives anymore. ): And who am I to try to keep them in my life if they don't want to be in it in the first place. Either I try too hard or I don't try at all THERE IS SRSLY NO IN BETWEEN that's what I hate about myself sometimes. ugh maybe I just haven't got my priorities in order IDK just fuck it

OH YES the most important thing I've learnt in greenridge thus far (AND PROBABLY AN ESSENTIAL LIFE SKILL) : sometimes it's okay to use the f word, when you're sad or mad or just annoyed at your life in general. Yknow here I am where people use 'fuck' ten times a day and don't give a damn, and you realise that it's actually kinda okay to use it too. HAHA how trivial but I have a knack for noticing trivial stuff.

But I guess it's also in greenridge that I learnt two great extremes of the world. How so damn superficial people can be and how so damn brutally real they can be too. It's the superficial people that scare me, you can feel it radiating off the words they say and the things they do. Worse still, it's these people that seem to have the best of everything, and everyone can't help but bow down to them cuz it does wonders for their reputation. SRSLY mean girls in real life much? And then there are the people who talk to you not because they like talking to you (I mean what other reason is there to talk to someone??) but because you have something they want or it puts them in a more advantaged position somehow. That's the part that hurts more than anything I guess. But it's also the part that prepares you for the real world. RG/RJ was honestly too safe to be true, even if this kinda thing existed, it didn't permeate the school grounds as much as it does here. That's why I'm like the frog in well (井底之蛙).

When you've bared your soul entirely, and given all that you could possibly give, and that still isn't enough, then just suck it up and learnt to live with it.

sometimes all you need is just one person who cares, and you feel like you can accept the other nine-hundred and ninety-nine people in your life who don't.

never a solution

50% of the time I'm a tangled mess of emotions, so freaking unsure of what the hell I'm doing and scared I might be getting myself in too deep to ever get out. The other 50% of the time I'm just too tired of feeling, so I attempt to distance myself from my emotions (emphasis on attempt), which sadly never works. Remind me again why I'm such a mess. 

It's funny though, I honestly love going to school, the people being the main (and perhaps only) reason why I actually bother to drag myself out of bed at the crack of dawn everyday. Hahaha or maybe I'm just grateful that there are people who bother to acknowledge my existence. I think I'm putting it a lil too harshly, but I honestly feel like such a waste of space sometimes, maybe it's about time I rethink whether I'm meant to stay on. It's getting too hard. Grrr I don't even get myself sometimes how can a thing like this be hard whaaaat am I saying.

Guess what, I'm getting too emotionally attached, but I don't even care. This place is worth all the emotions in the world.

"Those who are hardest to love need it the most." - Socrates

loose threads

Although the past month wasn't the most perfect, this is definitely as close to perfect as it gets. So blessed for the months I got here so far, and if everything goes according to plan, I might have three more. I never thought I'd stick around for so long, kinda expected myself to not like school as much as I do now, but now looking back, I'm sooo glad I made the right decision. Might have been more stressed than I'm allowing myself to be (still in the post-As holiday mood that I'm probably never gonna get out of) and sometimes I end up forgetting that this is not something I'm doing long-term. Makes me sad, really, that I'll be gone in a few months and will end up nothing but a mere memory. But honestly grateful for the bestest kids/students/friends (terms can be used interchangeably HAHAHA), I'm really getting to know them more and more each day. Times like these I wonder if I should do away with the humane, friendly part of teaching because the more I do this, the more painful it is gonna be to leave. Oh well just gonna go with the flow and enjoy the rest of the time I have left. Note to self: don't make too many promises I know I can't keep.

Anyway, the past two days of interning at alexandra hospital have made me miss school so much more. It wouldn't be fair to compare the two though, especially because in one place, I see old miserable people (okay not fair to generalise, they're not all miserable) cooped up in a place they have no desire of being in, and in another, I see students openly disliking education but secretly loving it.  But if there's one thing that links both doctors and teachers together, it's definitely how emotionally draining their jobs are. I personally think teachers can choose to distance themselves from the emotionally demanding part of their job, or even cut themselves off totally from it. It's more of a choice for them. I know for certain though that the best teachers feel for their students, even feel with them, and in doing that, emotions must come into play. OKAY I'm not making any more sense so I shall stop here hahahaha.

"In your hesitation, I found my answer." Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.