I might be okay / but I'm not fine at all

January's almost over, and I haven't even had the time to do a proper 2014 post yet since school started. Exhaustion is no longer a mere feeling anymore, it has become an inherent part of my personality at this point and I don't remember the last time I ever truly not felt tired. 2014 has been extremely trying so far, going through the motions without feeling much, except maybe the pain of struggling to hold everything up plus the overwhelming worry that it'll all give way. Law mods this sem really the toughest yet, not just content-wise, but profs-wise too. Not really enjoying much of anything right now (hopefully that'll change though) and doesn't help that the profs have so much higher standards that we try and yet again fail to meet. But 2014 has had its fair share of happiness - insanely blessed to have the right people in my life and just knowing that deep down, the timing was right :-)

Haven't properly wrapped up December yet, but perfect is the first word that comes to mind. Nepal was beautiful, in all the ways you can think of. The people were amazing - the Nepalese kids probably gave me more than I gave them, and as much as I feel bad that I couldn't give them as much as I wanted to, I'm just glad that they could sense our love and dedication, and I guess love was ultimately the best gift we could ever give them. Universal language and all :-) I miss the peace, the solitude, the simplicity. I miss nature (hating technology more and more by the minute, though a necessity, I admit); I miss smiling and laughing and actually meaning it. Most of all, I miss the team and I miss the connection we had over in nepal, something I doubt we can ever replicate back here.

Okay enough of living in the past, right now I'm just thankful for my family and friends. CNY has been a flurry of visiting and tons of catching up - the best part is just forgetting work/school and actually having fun. (is is just me or is fun a foreign concept now) But now that it's 4am on a saturday night gotta hit the books and catch up on the pile of readings (including those I put on hold for tort proj last week). Oh yes plus I'm super grateful for joy shan and ianna they make law school so much more tolerable in fact they make smu so much more tolerable the world needs more people like them :-) And for colz + almo too they make ssu so much more tolerable if not doing this for them I'm not sure for who honestly

It's 4am (OK second time I'm saying this but it's rly quite late??) and I've rly gotta go to bed. Anyway I've discovered all too well has the best lyrics, was listening to it on the car home and appreciating how lyrical it is


Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days

And I know it's long gone
And that magic's not here no more
And I might be okay
But I'm not fine at all

'Cause there we are again on that little town street.
You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Baby we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

xx