this beautiful, scary world.

"The future is scary but you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. Yes, it's tempting but it's a mistake" - HIMYM 

As crazy as it sounds, it's already 2012! I have always had this curious obsession with new stuff, new calendars, new notebooks (that I'll probably use half of and into my forgotten pile they'll go), new pens, new everything. But the new year's still a pretty novel concept in my over complicated brain. It's probably because I'm very very bad at letting go. There's this part of me that thrives under the mistaken idea that I have limitless space in my brain to store every single memory, feeling, emotion, and to constantly experience it over. For one, I seriously overestimated the power of my brain, and for another, I end up being too caught up in the 'here and now' to even think about the 'then'. I'm learning though, it's been getting easier to let go. If I weren't such an emotionally-charged creature it would definitely be much easier, but it's all about embracing life, about throwing out the past, about starting over.

Honestly, I'm pretty freaked out by 2012 already, the concept of As isn't the very least lodged in my head yet, which probably isn't a bad thing, since I really don't need the constant reminders >: Seriously can't believe 2011's over though. It's been quite a crazy year, not entirely perfect, but definitely amazing. Still not quite used to JC yet (see I told you I had problems with adjustment and sorts) but I'm getting there. Hehe but when you put school aside, this year, I have read amazing books, listened to amazing songs, met cool people and learnt so much from this one and only life I have :) Sure, there were disappointments here and there that I can't bear to think about but am slowing coming to terms with, but there were also pretty sweet moments that added a few more watts to my smiles hehehe :> And the people. Passionate people, seriously retarded people, people whom I haven't even got a chance to know well yet,  people whom I can share silence with and not feel at all uncomfortable. So much to learn from these people, I realise.

And I learnt that I need to stop fretting about what I'm not and quit feeling guilty about it too. It's seriously unhealthy, and doesn't do much for self-esteem either. I don't have to be the funniest person, or the neatest. I don't have to schedule every second of my life. I don't have to smile just because others are. I don't have to make lists for everything. Just because everyone does it and it works for everyone else doesn't mean it works for me. Okay probably the most bizarre revelation ever, but still a revelation :>

Okay and on to this year. There are so many things I want to do, so many dreams I have yet to fulfil (not all of them realistic, mind you) and a chest full of endless possibilities out there, cliched as it may sound. Getting good grades is just half of it. Listening to my favourite songs on repeat, reading simply beautiful books, getting to know more people better. And the less tangible stuff. Like proper friendships. Finding love in hopeless places hehehe :>. Serving with my heart. And the dreams. America road trips. My 11:11 wishes. College abroad. Riding chestnut horses. The kinda stuff you read about in books. Oh my, I'm getting excited typing all this. :> :> Hehe so no proper resolutions this year, because I'm all about embracing life as it is whee~

wide open heart.

"Running is easy, it's the stopping that's hard. But life was never supposed to be hard, so I'll just keep on running."

I'm sitting here doing nothing in particular and it just occurred to me that life's so nearly perfect. November's in full swing, which must only be a good thing, and the only thing I'm worrying about is, uh jabs on wednesday. A stark contrast to those who have ten thousand things running simultaneously through their minds, and I'm glad. There's this feeling of utter happiness that comes with knowing you have nothing to do. Except maybe a pesky little math assignment or two.


Reasons why I'm happy:


1. I have the bestest bestest pw group in the world. And I really really really mean it. (Added in a few more reallys for emphasis). You know you do when you don't mind doing pw for another year with them OKAY WAIT I TAKE IT BACK I DEFINITELY MIND. But you get the point, which reminds me, I've got emails to reply!!!


2. Pw's over. Which means everything remotely pw-related goes out the window too. But the process of pw has been quite fun, actually (and yes, I'm not crazy). Especially with great groupmates (refer to point 1)


3. It's been raining and rain puts me in good moods. 


4. Made the biggest 11:11 wish in my lifetime! And felt good about it too. Not the biggest one I could think of, but who needs wishes when you've got everything you could possibly want right here on earth. So grateful :)


5. I'm excited for vietnam!!


6. Settled some stuff that's been bugging me. All because I created a problem in my head that wasn't there in the first place haha. I'm such an idiottttt at times. But no matter!


7. No reason not to be! 


You know the time between sunset and pitch blackness? I never seem to be able to catch it. Shall make it a goal!

of all the pinky promises,

make believe

'Never underestimate the power of glitter. It's Kindergarten 101, really. Squeeze an unrealistic amount of glue on construction paper. Dump a pile of glitter on top. Shake. And let dry. Glitter is like ... little flecks of brilliance caught in a tube. A miracle in a jar. Because glitter can take any work in progress to that next level. It hides the most glaring of imperfections, works to bring out the best in everything. It takes the ordinary and turns it into something interesting and beautiful.' - Cross My Heart by Katie Klein

So true, don't you think. Glitter is so fascinating, really, it definitely enhances stuff, but it's sort of like this opaque veil that masks imperfections and hides the ugliest of truths. But when all that glitter is scraped off, the veil evaporates to reveal the honest, ugly truth underneath. Sad, really, how some people just keep piling on layers and layers of glitter over their lives, people don't recognise them anymore, they can't even recognise themselves.

True, glitter may represent some form of better reality. Honestly though, masquerading as someone else is definitely not something you want to spend your entire life doing. People forget that Halloween lasts only one night, leave their costumes on too long, and it becomes a permanent part of them. Not them, but a part of them, see the difference! And they end up forgetting who they were underneath all the costumes and make-up. Okay, moral of story, all that glitters is not gold hehehe. Don't go chasing someone else when being yourself is possibly the best thing you can offer the world :))

Watching X Factor now while posting this hahaha. My sister got me hooked on following all the X Factor stuffz but it's totally worth it. The performances are really ah-mazing :))) Rooting for Drew!! hehehe.

frolicsome. :)

fixing fixation.

Life has this way of making me feel completely drained and wiped at times, yet so bright and jumpy at others. I really like it when I'm bright and jumpy, it's when I start noticing the happier stuff around me, like how white and fluffy the clouds were today :DD

When we convince ourselves hard enough, we might end up believing what we want to believe. And for me, this happens way too often because half the time, I'm trying to convince myself that everything isn't as bad as it seems. Anyway, I just really wish I hadn't been that mean and ignorant and all. ): What hurts the most is knowing that you let what could've been a great friendship slip out of your grasp just like that. It's heart-wrenching not because I care, but because I have to act like I don't. It's painful, even. Trying to pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together but for one, the glue isn't permanent, and for another, I'm really not very good at fixing things. Please just tell me the glue will hold.

Okay anyway I really have so much to be thankful for. It catches me by surprise how much believing can really help. Okay it might just sound too cliched and all, the 'believe in youself' line repeated over and over until it's on replay in your head, but seriously, no one truly knows how to believe until you really feel it for yourself. That's why I've been telling people to believe, believe, believe, because in such a cold, dark world, it's the only thing keeping us sane.

forgive me, will you? ):

rekindled hope.

It's funny how much you can remember without even trying, yet when you actually try, like memorising tons and tons of stuff for bio, you can't seem to remember much at all. Our brains works in the weirdest ways, subtly hinting that we should be getting our priorities straight. I guess many of us tend to get caught up chasing our personal dreams and aspirations, so much so that ignorance becomes the natural, convenient solution to everything else that we don't have the time for. It's somewhat selfish, but not entirely unreasonable, don't you think? A privilege, perhaps, that we are here chasing rainbows and butterflies when some may not even have the strength to stand up on their two feet, let alone run. Maybe rekindling hope for these people means just as much as achieving your goals, and maybe even more, really.

This is just another random thought: it scares me how some people put way too much emphasis on their goals. They bulldoze their way through, destroying everything remotely human in the process. Like trust and love and friendship. Scary, really, how much some people will do.

Whee I like bubbles. Haha deprived childhood, perhaps. But they're really such pretty objects, dontcha think!! All that hope captured in a tiny little bubble floating skywards~

october breezes.

Lonely. And I really haven't got a right to be. Not when there are lonlier people.

I think maybe I'm afraid to be alone. But those who are afraid end up being the loneliest people. Which probably makes me one of the loneliest people in the world. ):

People's lives are scary. And that's just because their lives are far bigger, far greater than I could ever imagine. Could never match up to it, will never match up to it, and wait, why do I even want to match up to it. Doesn't make sense, all this. Perhaps I need to throw on an invisibility cloak and just watch it all from the sidelines.

And surprisingly, I am happy. :) Today made me happy. Running around with little kids around amk park made me happy. I want to lie on grass, look at the sky, admire the clouds and never get up again. Funny how things so perfect are so ephemeral. 

counting, counting, counting,

scars like secret road maps.

Finally finally finally. They are over. (Not for good though, but for now.) Studying has been rather fulfilling, though not half as much as wasting time for the sake of it is hehe. I don't know how I go through all this unscathed, but I do anyway, and everyone does. Just like how even the darkest storms pass, and the sun shines ever so brightly again, if not brighter. Been telling myself that each and every day the past week, and all these little streaks of optimism combined have been getting me through the most insane stuff. But studying is really not as bad as it sounds (okay wait who said it sounded bad?), it's just not something I would choose to do for a pastime, or a lifetime. Okayokay I really should stop, life is so good now, I feel like I've conquered the world (but if exams were the world, then the world would be a really bleak and meaningless place, just saying~).

You know what, this is the sweetest feeling I've felt in a long time, but really, if we needed exams to dig out such feelings from the depths of us, then it doesn't make much sense at all.

I'm overthinking things again. I've a tendency to do that when my brain is not memorising equations or shapes of parabolas and ellipses. Not good, because one thing leads to another and another and another (okay this sounds totally wrong but yea you get what I mean.)

And these days, lots of people have been telling me what they want to do with their lives. I really haven't got a single clue what I want, and honestly, I don't think that's a bad thing. I think everyone has dreams, and these dreams might spark off something more in you, so it's probably a natural thing right. It will eventually come. When you're ready. Only when you're ready. Just like how your period comes when you're mentally ready to accept it. OKAY OKAY BAD EXAMPLE VERNA BAD EXAMPLE. Anyway, I highly doubt I'm ready yet, a little part of me still wants to a disney princess, while there's this grown-up, matured part of me that knows that's highly impossible. And from time to time, I still let my mind wander to beautiful hazelnut horses galloping into the sunset through golden pumpkin fields. Such pretty dreams I have. You know pragmatism has been so deeply ingrained in each and every one of us that our minds work in such synchronised, robotic ways. But just letting my mind wander and not doing anything about it just goes to show what an absolute failure I am at rebelling against it.

I really love so much of the people in my life, and yes I'm really grateful too. I feel like killing myself everytime I admire the roses in someone else's garden when there are so many pretty roses right under my windowsill. Just goes to show how very blind we are. Very blind. And I'm learning. We're all learning.

Woahh so much thinking I've been doing, but moral of story is I have to be more appreciative of the little things, because after all, it's the little details that define us. The big things are merely the borders that surround these little details. When you look at a painting, it's the little details that catch your attention, not the borders. The same little details that you thought were not as important as the big ones. And the same little details that might scar you forever. I might be going a bit too far off, but really, don't lose sight of the small things just because the big picture's already formed. Ten pieces missing from a jigsaw puzzle is just as noticeable as one little missing piece. OKAY YES ENOUGH.

Oh my had night service again today, and I have really missed all the people so much, like really. See, I have such beautiful roses underneath my windowsill :DD