never a solution

50% of the time I'm a tangled mess of emotions, so freaking unsure of what the hell I'm doing and scared I might be getting myself in too deep to ever get out. The other 50% of the time I'm just too tired of feeling, so I attempt to distance myself from my emotions (emphasis on attempt), which sadly never works. Remind me again why I'm such a mess. 

It's funny though, I honestly love going to school, the people being the main (and perhaps only) reason why I actually bother to drag myself out of bed at the crack of dawn everyday. Hahaha or maybe I'm just grateful that there are people who bother to acknowledge my existence. I think I'm putting it a lil too harshly, but I honestly feel like such a waste of space sometimes, maybe it's about time I rethink whether I'm meant to stay on. It's getting too hard. Grrr I don't even get myself sometimes how can a thing like this be hard whaaaat am I saying.

Guess what, I'm getting too emotionally attached, but I don't even care. This place is worth all the emotions in the world.

"Those who are hardest to love need it the most." - Socrates

loose threads

Although the past month wasn't the most perfect, this is definitely as close to perfect as it gets. So blessed for the months I got here so far, and if everything goes according to plan, I might have three more. I never thought I'd stick around for so long, kinda expected myself to not like school as much as I do now, but now looking back, I'm sooo glad I made the right decision. Might have been more stressed than I'm allowing myself to be (still in the post-As holiday mood that I'm probably never gonna get out of) and sometimes I end up forgetting that this is not something I'm doing long-term. Makes me sad, really, that I'll be gone in a few months and will end up nothing but a mere memory. But honestly grateful for the bestest kids/students/friends (terms can be used interchangeably HAHAHA), I'm really getting to know them more and more each day. Times like these I wonder if I should do away with the humane, friendly part of teaching because the more I do this, the more painful it is gonna be to leave. Oh well just gonna go with the flow and enjoy the rest of the time I have left. Note to self: don't make too many promises I know I can't keep.

Anyway, the past two days of interning at alexandra hospital have made me miss school so much more. It wouldn't be fair to compare the two though, especially because in one place, I see old miserable people (okay not fair to generalise, they're not all miserable) cooped up in a place they have no desire of being in, and in another, I see students openly disliking education but secretly loving it.  But if there's one thing that links both doctors and teachers together, it's definitely how emotionally draining their jobs are. I personally think teachers can choose to distance themselves from the emotionally demanding part of their job, or even cut themselves off totally from it. It's more of a choice for them. I know for certain though that the best teachers feel for their students, even feel with them, and in doing that, emotions must come into play. OKAY I'm not making any more sense so I shall stop here hahahaha.

"In your hesitation, I found my answer." Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

precious three months

It's been almost two months, and I still haven't quite figured out whether I'm cut out for this. But the one thing that keeps me happy, keeps me coming back to this place are definitely the kids. There's something amazing about the kids I've met, I can't put my finger on it yet, but talking to these kids (yes, just talking and getting to know them as people) leaves me with this warm glow inside. Each day I learn a little more about what it means to be a teacher, and I've begun to realise I have power over the littlest things, the power to make kids feel a little more loved, appreciated, understood and cared for. It's this power that I don't quite trust myself with, because who knows what may happen when I screw up. Teaching is something that doesn't tolerate screw-ups, and I'll admit that I screw up a lot, and for all the right things that you do, students tend to remember you for your screw-ups more than anything else. But I'm nowhere near ready to leave this place and its people behind, currently bursting with love for this school and all the amazing students I've met, and I swear it's these newfound friends that make me want to stay on, even if it's just for a few more months.

Also, the past three months have been mad awesome, and I can't believe it's already been three months since we graduated. The past months have changed me in so many unexpected ways, subtle, but still there. Results come out friday, and the thought of getting 'em back on that flimsy piece of paper really terrifies me. Mixed feelings of dread and anticipation (can't tell the difference), coupled with fear of what comes after - uni/college, scholarship apps, the future. Had my heart set on going to the us years ago, just hope my grades get me where I want to be. Or rather, where I'm meant to be.

At times like these, I feel small. These precious kids take on bigger problems than themselves, and here I am wallowing in self-doubt. I admire these kids so much more than they'll ever know. : )

the language of impossible dreams

Thing is, we don't stop wanting the things we can't have. And we may never will.

The mind is a savage beast tamed only by the heart.

those who remember & those who forget

Half the world hates what half the world does every day
Half the world waits while half gets on with it anyway
Half the world lives, half the world makes
Half the world gives while the other half takes

I came to the realisation that there are two kinds of people: those who forget and those who remember. And maybe I've been holding on to the wrong group of people all along. 

Annnnnd I just had to add this in... becky's gonna be an artist in new york after college!!! Coolest thing ever though I think I might need to magically teleport myself there so that I can actually show up for her shows.

I gotta sleep earlier, surviving on three hours of sleep is not cool.

2013.

i never believed in angels…

because i had never felt their wings.

i never believed in paradise…

because i had never held the key.

i never believed in mirrors…

because i hated what i’d see.

i never believed in love…

because it never believed in me.

until you.

-alexander michael deleon

Beautiful words above from alex deleon of The Cab! Words just come so naturally to him I get wowed every time I read his blog. And...... this is a 2013 post : ) Okay a little late, I know, but then again, when am I never late? Ha ha one more new year resolution for me.

2012 was a pretty good year (I actually survived the big As GASP) and the toughest year of my life's now over and done with. Thank God for that. Not sure if it was my best though, but I sincerely hope it was. And now that I actually survived As, I'm feeling pretty invincible (not gonna last when the rejections start coming in ughhh). My last week of 2012 was spent with lovely people in a lovely bungalow along east coast. Love the feeling when you wake up every morning in a new (and very beautiful) place. It's almost paradise. Almost.

Uni apps are thankfully completed, just waiting for all the decisions now and hopefully everything turns out according to plan. Secretly wasting all my 11:11 wishes on this whole college business ha ha ha. Becky has been way too busy at hahvahd to help so this last lap I'm conquering on my own. And I'm glad too. Because this time, it's all me.

Big day tomorrow so going to bed now. Can't visualise myself as a teacher as of now but I've gotta give it a try, haven't I? May 2013 be amazing for everyone : )

dawn

It's been quite a long while since I last posted, and well, as always, lots of things have happened and are happening (I can't say for sure). Yes anyway, I thought it would be good to start off the new term with a post because, call me old-fashioned, but there's nothing a good bit a reflection can't cure. So, CT2s just ended, by just I mean like 4 days, which is a pretty short time, if you ask me. BUT (and there always is a but) school's starting up again tomorrow, and after a month and a half of studying at home, school just doesn't feel right. I've been doing so many things I love the past four days, and I feel pretty well-rested, although rest is relative and something I never ever get enough of. :)

I've been reading so many amazing books, books that make me feel like ripping my heart out after I finish them. But what I realised is that I get disillusioned very easily by books, and very, very overwhelmed. Somehow, I end up staying in that world that words create and it becomes very difficult to get my heart back in the right place. Which means that I kinda need to stop reading that much and pick it up after As, which makes me sad, really, but I seriously need some self-restraint.

Okay I just packed my file for tomorrow and happened to glance at this schedule thing that my teacher gave us at the start of this year, and it says prelims start 27th august. HELLO WHERE DID ALL MY TIME GO.   That's like in 2 months and I haven't even recovered from the shock of CTs yet. Okay time to study real hard, and dream even harder, because that's gonna be where my motivation stems from. Kkk smile on my face, spring in my step, I can do thisssssssss :)))