things I hold close to heart

Itching to write again because so many things have been making my days so much more worth living!! So I'm typing this on my way home. Pictures below, but they include so many texts and tweets from my kids, which reduce me to a pile of mush every time I read them. How did I ever get so lucky to have met a bunch of kids who touched my life as much as I've touched theirs :')

Anyway, I was reading through my old emails from becky again today and I found the one dating back to 2010 when she was giving me advice for batch talk. Back when I was small and scared and couldn't even bring myself to talk in front of hordes of my batchmates. Her exact words were, "you don't need anything but your sincerity, friend. as long as you mean what you say, that in itself is your power to influence." (Pic below) I guess those words never left me since that day and it's been almost four years. But the past ten months (or even two years), I haven't had time to reflect and think about the reasons behind what I do what I do and perhaps I've made some mistakes, but a whole lot of good came out of that too. And I firmly believe Becky's 'sincerity', drive and passion, the traits that I endlessly respected her for back in rg, somehow rubbed off on me too.

1) serving kids in csl the 2 years I was in rj - taught me patience, love, kindness and respect for the simplest human beings and the cutest ones too :-)

2) teaching 2/3 and 2/5 in gss and making the best memories a teacher-cum-student like me will ever make - taught me to love my kids unconditionally no matter how many times they screwed up, made me love watching bball (cuz all my bball boys make me so proud), helped me understand what it truly means to be there for my kids, and touching their lives
And the best part is, I honestly never thought they'd still remember, up till now :-)

3) sports camp/YOLO camp/law camp/SMUX camp - showed me how superficial uni could be on one extreme, yet showed me sincerity is still possible and should be something we all continually strive towards. Taught me to never judge, just accept and that people never turn out to be what you first imagine. And taught me that some ppl just aren't worth the effort so quit trying :-)

4) isle vietnam - taught me sincerity, sincerity and more sincerity. Cuz even kids on the verge of death can tell when you truly mean the things you do for them. And there's so much joy in knowing you made the last few hours of a person much more bearable, much more painless. :-) taught me about life, death and the in-betweens cuz having seen death, somehow life becomes so much more precious to you :-)

5) rgsrcy (okay not within the past two years, but still worth mentioning) - hands down the best four years of my life. Yearmates are probably the best friends I've made and will ever make :-) fd trainings under the sun thrice a week for fdc, arts fest prac twice a week, trainings and pt twice a week, things I'll never forget for as long as I live. The part of my life I hate most when ppl trivialize it cuz it meant the world to me. Taught me discipline, strength, courage, taught me to be respected and to respect and taught me love, passion, commitment and how love can bring ppl tgt and bond them as a team :-)

6) namaste - the next big thing in my life and the one I srsly hope I can bring sincerity to :-) cuz it's no longer just all that Becky would ever want for the world, but now, it's all I would ever want for the world too. like idk maybe if she were here now, she'd be happy that everyone's doing the little bit they can. as much as I wish she were, I'm just glad there's this part of me that'll always be touched by her :-) and a part of me that I can translate into tangible, concrete action.

anyway the point of my post is cuz somehow somewhere, someone realised I needed a timely reminder of the things I have to keep holding close to my heart, and to never ever lose sight of the bigger things in life. Hahahaha kinda was super glad + relieved today to hear that STAND UP RG and STAND UP AC are all still in operation, owing to becky of course, such that her legacy still lives on no matter where she goes :') maybe it's about time a STAND UP SMU was started too HAHAHAHAHA

the good die young / but the great will always last

'It's just I don't feel like explaining to ppl how much it means to me so I don't mention it at all'
Like I don't think it's fair or even possible to condense the four best years of my life in a single sentence so I'd rather just not bring it up at all.
'Like I think some ppl don't deserve to know the important parts of me.'
Because not being able to appreciate the importance of it in my life is akin to not knowing it at all. If there's one thing I can't take, it's ppl trivializing things that mean the world to me.

I'm on the verge of being crushed by all the things life is throwing my way and it's not funny anymore )-: and cuz I rarely say I'm dying, so when I do tell people I'm dying, I kid you not. But honestly I'm okay there's no reason to get all worked up, I've done this before and I can do this again.

Anyway I've just got to tell the world this!!! My senior was classmates with Becky in ac omg is this the part where my life and the life she left behind converges HAHAHAHA I'd like to think so :) the world is too small. but yeah okay little things like this can make my day my life must be quite bleak ha ha

So glad lz still texts me it's her sense of humour that helps me get through life :) srsly don't know what I'd do without her!!! I rly rly miss school now esp seeing all the pics of uniform day on insta!! I don't think I was ever ready for uni and a part of me prolly will never be. But ok verna you need to focus on the present stop going back to the past when the present gets tough!!!!

I actually kinda miss volunteering at csl too all those kids could make my day happy no matter how bad it was :-) oh boy life has changed so much in the span of a year

If today's the day I die/ lay me down under the lights/ let me fall in love/ let me save a life
And let me lose my voice/ singing all my favorite songs/ let me stare up at the stars/ cuz it's where we all belong

Lz is too funny I rly have to give her some credit

blur of traffic

sonder
n. "the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."


Dying for this week to end cuz there's just too much to look forward to on Friday!! But there's all the obligations + things I must do before I get there ): sometimes I think I expect too much from myself, and I end up feeling bad I can't live up to it, even when I know it's physically impossible to, i.e. be in two places at once

I just hope people are more forgiving so that I can start forgiving myself

OH YEAH HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY to all my darling kids and yearmates and juniors and all the people I love v v much!! Ahhhh too precious :')

cheers to the freakin weekend

b r e a k i n g ) :

but itsokay I can put myself back tgt.

stop comparing stop judging stop complaining alr what good do ppl get out of it srsly. I don't get how ppl function with so much hate. in fact I don't get how the world functions with so much hate.

okay no time to feel think write go back to your texts verna

what could have been & what will be

Never thought I would end up in smu, much less in law school, but the past month hasn't let me down at all. I'm beginning to think I made the right decision coming here after all. Still remember making a hell lot of fancy plans to study in imperial/ucl/ucla just a while ago (and wasting a hell lot of money holding those places too sigh) but then subsequently abandoning every last one of them in the same month. A year ago, I would've thought this meant "settling for something less than I was capable of", but I guess I look at things differently now that I'm out of rj , and not constantly surrounded by people who had dreams ten times greater than their actions. But on hindsight, law's a noble choice, perhaps a part of me ended up choosing practicality over passion in the end, but who cares, I plan to study hard, make my time in law school worthwhile and figure out my passion along the way. Plus I'm so glad my parents have been so freaking supportive of me :)

Anyway, I've been having so many experiences lately, going for camps and making friends and just generally being a social human being (and hopefully succeeding hahaha). Sports camp set my standards real high, I'll admit, but smux camp, law camp and ftb honestly did not fall far behind, and the people I met have been nothing short of amazing. All extremely different, but in the best possible ways.

But one thing that irks me here is how people are so quick to judge, even those whom I never pegged as superficial end up unpleasantly surprising me (and I'm perhaps also guilty of judging). Like I don't understand how they can automatically classify people into a certain category just based on the way they look/act. And how just because people look/act a certain way, it automatically makes them less desirable as a friend?? How does this even make sense? The one thing about uni that scares me the most (probably even more so than the workload) are the friends (or the lack of them???). Like back in jc I guess I was really blessed to have real friends who had my back every single time. In uni, you can have a million friends, but how many of them would actually have your back at the end of it all?

Approx three weeks left till school starts! Gonna make the last few weeks of freedom count :)

Also, I tend to fall for people I know I'll never be good enough for. Hurts more than anything knowing you're not the one they'll pick. Why do I bring this upon myself ahahahaha okay I laugh at myself a lot

sports camp + stuff :)

Sports camp last week marked the start of uni life, I feel fifty shades darker after camp, no kidding, like even this kid noticed today and shouted at me "CHER WHY YOU SO BLACK NOW!" (to that I replied "WHAT BLACK"). HAHAHAA okayy about time I started realising the importance of sunblock.

This camp's probably something I'll remember the rest of my years in school, not just cuz of the friends made (they WERE pretty awesome) /sports played, but also cuz I experienced things I've never experienced in my entire life (good/bad thing you decide). Like, I'm not even exaggerating. If there was one thing that my six years as a rafflesian did not teach me, it was how to act in such social situations (aka the party/clubbing scene). Not just how to act, but how to not be so awkward/out of place/stick out like a sore thumb (okay a million phrases came to mind so I just had to type them out). I guess I kinda felt bad on everyone's behalf that I was being such a child and robbing them of the good time they could've had if they didn't have to stop and ask me every ten seconds whether I was okay. And at the same time, I felt bad for myself for not having as much fun as everyone else was (okay this part was me being a complete child). But srsly I don't get how I am the only person in the world who doesn't know how to club sighhh I have a lot to learn (yingx promised to teach me!!!)

But sports camp was fun, it's the kinda thing you look back on and remember only the good parts :) and I'm so glad em made me sign up for it. Have always been a strong believer in the "people come into your life for a reason" theory, and well it pretty much sums this up. Insanely blessed to have been a part of this camp :))

OKAY SMUX CAMP ON FRI! needa start packing early if not I'm gonna end up with three hours of sleep again. which, knowing myself, I probably will. 

Oh yes went back to school today to find myself table-less HAHAAHAHAHA can you imagine the look on my face when I realised my old table has been taken over and completely invaded. Maybe this is a sign that I should be leaving soon, I don't even have a proper permanent place in the staff room anymore.

I need to update more often. First off, to prevent myself from becoming completely illiterate, and second, so that I remember the bits and pieces of life, instead of just the huge events. AND YES my kids have cdiv bball matches soon which means I can go down to ccab to support them again, watching bball sure is addictive hehehe.

your string of lights are still bright to me.

Been ages since I last wrote something worth reading. Been ages since I last felt something worth feeling. And I shall attempt to organise my thoughts while everything still cuts raw and deep. Funny how sadness is as much a feeling as happiness is, and how you can't embrace happiness without automatically acknowledging that sadness will be a part of it too.

Honestly, I love being in greenridge. That last week of school was especially precious: I loved that I have something in my life that's worth every ounce of my energy. I loved that I had something worth waking up to everyday and that I can fall asleep happy every night. And I don't think I'll ever feel this strongly for anything ever again. I'm no teacher, definitely not trusted with math, but I'm just glad I've been a decent friend. That was all that mattered to me anyway. Sigh okay I'm in serious shit. This is what six months in the same place does to you: you start anchoring roots and you start feeling safe and comfortable being you again. Perhaps that's why knowing it'll be taken away all too soon leaves this giant lump in my throat and an even greater emptiness in my heart. Is it even possible to keep them in my life while I carry on with the rest of my life?? I sure hope so.

This eight-month long 'summer' break's (only because it's forever summer in sg) gonna end soon, and I'm so not ready for this next chapter of my life. Everyone seems to be set on where they are going, already making a ton of plans and signing up for camps and housing and whatnot, while I'm still left here hanging, thinking about what to do with my life and finding comfort in the one thing that has meant so much to me the past few months. Does it even make sense?? Studying overseas has been what I always wanted, but what if there are people here that makes studying locally much more worth it? Studying law was never what I had in mind, but what if it's more rewarding than I actually thought? Ughhh still so uncertain and I don't trust myself to make the right decision on an issue as important as my future.

I find myself being more and more careless about what I say lately, like I suddenly say stuff without thinking and people get mad and they don't want me in their lives anymore. ): And who am I to try to keep them in my life if they don't want to be in it in the first place. Either I try too hard or I don't try at all THERE IS SRSLY NO IN BETWEEN that's what I hate about myself sometimes. ugh maybe I just haven't got my priorities in order IDK just fuck it

OH YES the most important thing I've learnt in greenridge thus far (AND PROBABLY AN ESSENTIAL LIFE SKILL) : sometimes it's okay to use the f word, when you're sad or mad or just annoyed at your life in general. Yknow here I am where people use 'fuck' ten times a day and don't give a damn, and you realise that it's actually kinda okay to use it too. HAHA how trivial but I have a knack for noticing trivial stuff.

But I guess it's also in greenridge that I learnt two great extremes of the world. How so damn superficial people can be and how so damn brutally real they can be too. It's the superficial people that scare me, you can feel it radiating off the words they say and the things they do. Worse still, it's these people that seem to have the best of everything, and everyone can't help but bow down to them cuz it does wonders for their reputation. SRSLY mean girls in real life much? And then there are the people who talk to you not because they like talking to you (I mean what other reason is there to talk to someone??) but because you have something they want or it puts them in a more advantaged position somehow. That's the part that hurts more than anything I guess. But it's also the part that prepares you for the real world. RG/RJ was honestly too safe to be true, even if this kinda thing existed, it didn't permeate the school grounds as much as it does here. That's why I'm like the frog in well (井底之蛙).

When you've bared your soul entirely, and given all that you could possibly give, and that still isn't enough, then just suck it up and learnt to live with it.

sometimes all you need is just one person who cares, and you feel like you can accept the other nine-hundred and ninety-nine people in your life who don't.