yes to anywhere but here

The shittiest I've felt in weeks my throat feels like it might give way I actually kinda like not having a voice saves me the trouble of working up the courage to talk to ppl

Hating things now stop taking away the things that mean most to me it hurts letting things get the better of me I honestly am too tired to put up a fight have given every ounce of energy it's still never enough

Writing in run-on sentences cuz this is precisely how this sem feels like - a constant struggle with no hope of ever seeing the end. april feels way too long away not sure how long I can keep this up not very long I bet

Forcing myself to study contract this is so so painful I just need sleep need to escape the world

yuching: "we need a break from school. I suggest boracay"
me: "yes to boracay." "yes to anywhere but here."

crash and burn

gotta press on gonna conquer this mountain called tort I don't care

skandinaviska nettleship v weston wooldridge wagon mound no 2 bolam bolitho gunapathy deutsche bank see toh siew kee sunrise crane tv media go dante yap bolton v stone spandeck spandeck spandeck all this overwhelms me

waikiki at the end of the week to top it all off (good / bad I'm not sure)

I just want the pain of this week to end

bad days made good :')

stress bordering on irrational annoyance, anger and insanity )': 

the things keeping me sane are sometimes the most unexpected ones - didn't have my wallet on me today (what happens when I leave the house sooo preoccupied) and my ezlink card ran out of cash. was on the verge of a panic attack when this kind kind lady fished out 10 bucks and gave it to me. asked for her bank account number so I could return the money but she told me to just take it as angpao money :'') was so touched I could've started crying there and then - there is good in this world after all :') thank you kind lady :'') noting this in my head as a reminder to do good and be kind :')

And I was entertaining the prospect of skipping dinner cuz I didn't have cash on me and I was too late to have dinner at home. But my dad came over to the train station to pass me money so that I could buy food home :') love my parents :'')

not gonna complain about staying in school till 9 doing contract cuz ppl are good and it makes up for all the bad in my life, really :')

on a sidenote was thinking today how little some things are worth to me and the realization is somewhat sad but not entirely unexpected. resolving to channel my heart into the right places from here on out. 

anyway I was thinking today (yeah I do too much thinking) how my respect for some people has multiplied tenfold ever since nepal :') I rly miss paul my annoyingly wise older brother and I realise I respect him for doing things the way he does them and for being one of the few ppl I look up to most in smu (somehow the thought of him respecting becky as much as I do and liking taylor swift as much as I do is comforting :-)) And mag the ever talented friend who is amazingly artsy and will prolly revolutionize the floral industry heh I'm not even kidding :-) plz go check out floralsbym.com and support this beautiful project!!!! 

Typing this on my phone as I'm having dinner before I go back to work sigh

Got bgs in the morning two days in a row comms ball sat night contract wr chionging on sun plus

legal memo + tort readings + contract readings + tort midterm to study for

the intensity of all this is almost too hard to bear but I'm okay I'm okay 

haven't scrapbooked in the longest time, but when I do it's the best therapy in the world :-) so glad for ppl who give me reasons to scrap

OKAY BACK TO WORK

I might be okay / but I'm not fine at all

January's almost over, and I haven't even had the time to do a proper 2014 post yet since school started. Exhaustion is no longer a mere feeling anymore, it has become an inherent part of my personality at this point and I don't remember the last time I ever truly not felt tired. 2014 has been extremely trying so far, going through the motions without feeling much, except maybe the pain of struggling to hold everything up plus the overwhelming worry that it'll all give way. Law mods this sem really the toughest yet, not just content-wise, but profs-wise too. Not really enjoying much of anything right now (hopefully that'll change though) and doesn't help that the profs have so much higher standards that we try and yet again fail to meet. But 2014 has had its fair share of happiness - insanely blessed to have the right people in my life and just knowing that deep down, the timing was right :-)

Haven't properly wrapped up December yet, but perfect is the first word that comes to mind. Nepal was beautiful, in all the ways you can think of. The people were amazing - the Nepalese kids probably gave me more than I gave them, and as much as I feel bad that I couldn't give them as much as I wanted to, I'm just glad that they could sense our love and dedication, and I guess love was ultimately the best gift we could ever give them. Universal language and all :-) I miss the peace, the solitude, the simplicity. I miss nature (hating technology more and more by the minute, though a necessity, I admit); I miss smiling and laughing and actually meaning it. Most of all, I miss the team and I miss the connection we had over in nepal, something I doubt we can ever replicate back here.

Okay enough of living in the past, right now I'm just thankful for my family and friends. CNY has been a flurry of visiting and tons of catching up - the best part is just forgetting work/school and actually having fun. (is is just me or is fun a foreign concept now) But now that it's 4am on a saturday night gotta hit the books and catch up on the pile of readings (including those I put on hold for tort proj last week). Oh yes plus I'm super grateful for joy shan and ianna they make law school so much more tolerable in fact they make smu so much more tolerable the world needs more people like them :-) And for colz + almo too they make ssu so much more tolerable if not doing this for them I'm not sure for who honestly

It's 4am (OK second time I'm saying this but it's rly quite late??) and I've rly gotta go to bed. Anyway I've discovered all too well has the best lyrics, was listening to it on the car home and appreciating how lyrical it is


Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days

And I know it's long gone
And that magic's not here no more
And I might be okay
But I'm not fine at all

'Cause there we are again on that little town street.
You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Baby we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

xx

leavin on a jetplane

1. Finals are over!!! (aka no more readings for the next month)
2. Leaving for nepal in approx 4 hours!!!!!

Too many exclamation marks describe exactly how I'm feeling right now! although I'm all kinds of worried too but gonna cross those bridges when I get to them.

On another note, I chucked so many amazing songs into my ipod while packing last night and feelin so renewed now cuz I kinda put music on hold for the past two weeks (along with my social life and bits of my sanity).

Spending christmas (!!!) in nepal, see y'all in 23 days :)

cold chilly monday night

"And it was at that time that I thought about Thomas Jefferson writing the Declaration of Independence. Him saying that we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I thought about how he knew to put the ‘pursuit’ in there, like no one can actually have happiness, we can only pursue it." - The Pursuit of Happyness

Thankful for cold, chilly nights :-) contract in front of me while I type this, I've missed studying this late into the night and I'm thankful for this week cuz it means I can pull late nights without feeling like complete crap the next morning. Been pretty successful with the phone bans, yes I'll admit finals are turning me into an absolutely terrible texter but I love the feeling of not being overly dependent on technology (wow I'm totally gonna love nepal HAHA). It's pretty liberating knowing that I can just focus on studying this week :-) reading whatsapp groups has become a chore and lately I feel like throwing my phone out the window whenever I turn it on so I'd rather not. Sometimes it might just be better to live safely in oblivion HAHA 

HAHAHAHA okay I think I might be the total opposite of everyone but whatever

My december's packed to the maximum, nepal taking up 23 good days, gonna be turning 19 in a cold foreign place (a first!!!) and wishing I had more time for my friends. But nah not gonna let myself think about december yet, not when I've got tons of stuff to study. Scares me the amount of stuff I have to cover, but slowly but surely striking them off my list, okay I can do this :-)

Sick of caring too much, it's probably one of the things that wears me down the most. To hell with what people think srsly who are they to judge when they don't even know me. And who am I to judge too. Judging less = loving more :-) And okay call me weak call me 'bulliable' call me whatever you want there are reasons why I do the things I do and those reasons sure as hell don't include you. 

I can live with the fact that there are some people I tried but failed to please :-) 

okay back to studying 
miles to go before I sleep

Eleven eleven :-)

Things I'll never understand:

1. Why ppl study in school!!! (esp the school library) - there's this draining effect school has that I can't quite figure out and there's just so many ppl around how the hell dyou focus in a place like this! I secretly suspect studying in school is a trend thing, like cuz your friends are studying in school so you do it too. Kinda like a social norm? Something you do to fit in? OKAY I'm analysing and stereotyping way too much as usual HAHA but I'm perfectly comfortable at home nothing will make me drag myself to school hehe :-)

2. Superficiality - like yeah okay ppl need to stop making it so pointedly obvious that they only favour/bother talking to ppl who are pretty/smart/handsome like okay so do the rest of us have less to offer the world or smth?? Hahaha a bit blunt here but honestly I don't get why ppl act the way they do sometimes

3. Fluff mods!!!! aka ct twc that are complete life-ruiners )-; Plus trying to fix a structure on something as abstract as creativity??? No just no dude you don't know the first thing about creativity if you think it can be taught

4. Inefficiency!!!! O M G this literally drives me insane cuz I'm super anal about efficiency as of late. Considering 1. finals are coming and I am so pumped to start studying but fluff mods disrupt my schedule )-: 2. Group meetings are sooooo inefficient 3. Like helloooo twc may be your heaviest mod but it's my slackest so get to the point I don't have all day 4. Time to stop shoving it in my face that you have a lot to study!!! I probably have more but I'm not shoving it in your face am I?? (Plus I'm not complaining I actually like studying )-: )

5. Group meetings - I have lost complete faith in the efficiency of group meetings honestly sighpie just can't wait for it all to be over!!

6. Bidding - okay it's a brutal man-eat-man world time to save e dollars to avoid being the one on the losing end


Things to be grateful for (cuz there are always things to be grateful for):

1. SSU - thankful for this, thankful that the ppl so far have been so nice, thankful that I love what I'm doing, thankful that I now have something I can throw myself into (superficial but nice :-)) and thankful that it's not law-related at all (good escape)

2. Shan, Joy, Ianna - thankful that I got my AS class with them next sem, thankful that I have them to confide everything in, thankful that we'll see each other through law school :') and thankful that I found a group of friends I love more than anything here <3

3. Linda - thankful that I get what she's going through and that she gets what I'm going through and thankful that she's one of the few reminders that there are great ppl in this world :-) one of the first few friends I met in rj and so glad she's here with me or I'd probably be sooo lost

4. Lingzhi - which other friend bothers to travel all the way to smu to visit her friend who's can never find time to travel down to nus? Thankful that she can never stay mad at me for long, thankful that she forgives me for my shitty time lags in replying and thankful that she reminds me there's a world outside of smu :-)

5. Merciful profs + an amazing law class - grades better than I expected/deserved (?) and classmates that I love so very much and will miss terribly next sem <3 (yuching, anqi, annette, isabel, xinhoon, ppl to be thankful for)

6. Everything!!!!!

Okay gonna start work now back to crim verna :-)