cold chilly monday night

"And it was at that time that I thought about Thomas Jefferson writing the Declaration of Independence. Him saying that we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I thought about how he knew to put the ‘pursuit’ in there, like no one can actually have happiness, we can only pursue it." - The Pursuit of Happyness

Thankful for cold, chilly nights :-) contract in front of me while I type this, I've missed studying this late into the night and I'm thankful for this week cuz it means I can pull late nights without feeling like complete crap the next morning. Been pretty successful with the phone bans, yes I'll admit finals are turning me into an absolutely terrible texter but I love the feeling of not being overly dependent on technology (wow I'm totally gonna love nepal HAHA). It's pretty liberating knowing that I can just focus on studying this week :-) reading whatsapp groups has become a chore and lately I feel like throwing my phone out the window whenever I turn it on so I'd rather not. Sometimes it might just be better to live safely in oblivion HAHA 

HAHAHAHA okay I think I might be the total opposite of everyone but whatever

My december's packed to the maximum, nepal taking up 23 good days, gonna be turning 19 in a cold foreign place (a first!!!) and wishing I had more time for my friends. But nah not gonna let myself think about december yet, not when I've got tons of stuff to study. Scares me the amount of stuff I have to cover, but slowly but surely striking them off my list, okay I can do this :-)

Sick of caring too much, it's probably one of the things that wears me down the most. To hell with what people think srsly who are they to judge when they don't even know me. And who am I to judge too. Judging less = loving more :-) And okay call me weak call me 'bulliable' call me whatever you want there are reasons why I do the things I do and those reasons sure as hell don't include you. 

I can live with the fact that there are some people I tried but failed to please :-) 

okay back to studying 
miles to go before I sleep

Eleven eleven :-)

Things I'll never understand:

1. Why ppl study in school!!! (esp the school library) - there's this draining effect school has that I can't quite figure out and there's just so many ppl around how the hell dyou focus in a place like this! I secretly suspect studying in school is a trend thing, like cuz your friends are studying in school so you do it too. Kinda like a social norm? Something you do to fit in? OKAY I'm analysing and stereotyping way too much as usual HAHA but I'm perfectly comfortable at home nothing will make me drag myself to school hehe :-)

2. Superficiality - like yeah okay ppl need to stop making it so pointedly obvious that they only favour/bother talking to ppl who are pretty/smart/handsome like okay so do the rest of us have less to offer the world or smth?? Hahaha a bit blunt here but honestly I don't get why ppl act the way they do sometimes

3. Fluff mods!!!! aka ct twc that are complete life-ruiners )-; Plus trying to fix a structure on something as abstract as creativity??? No just no dude you don't know the first thing about creativity if you think it can be taught

4. Inefficiency!!!! O M G this literally drives me insane cuz I'm super anal about efficiency as of late. Considering 1. finals are coming and I am so pumped to start studying but fluff mods disrupt my schedule )-: 2. Group meetings are sooooo inefficient 3. Like helloooo twc may be your heaviest mod but it's my slackest so get to the point I don't have all day 4. Time to stop shoving it in my face that you have a lot to study!!! I probably have more but I'm not shoving it in your face am I?? (Plus I'm not complaining I actually like studying )-: )

5. Group meetings - I have lost complete faith in the efficiency of group meetings honestly sighpie just can't wait for it all to be over!!

6. Bidding - okay it's a brutal man-eat-man world time to save e dollars to avoid being the one on the losing end


Things to be grateful for (cuz there are always things to be grateful for):

1. SSU - thankful for this, thankful that the ppl so far have been so nice, thankful that I love what I'm doing, thankful that I now have something I can throw myself into (superficial but nice :-)) and thankful that it's not law-related at all (good escape)

2. Shan, Joy, Ianna - thankful that I got my AS class with them next sem, thankful that I have them to confide everything in, thankful that we'll see each other through law school :') and thankful that I found a group of friends I love more than anything here <3

3. Linda - thankful that I get what she's going through and that she gets what I'm going through and thankful that she's one of the few reminders that there are great ppl in this world :-) one of the first few friends I met in rj and so glad she's here with me or I'd probably be sooo lost

4. Lingzhi - which other friend bothers to travel all the way to smu to visit her friend who's can never find time to travel down to nus? Thankful that she can never stay mad at me for long, thankful that she forgives me for my shitty time lags in replying and thankful that she reminds me there's a world outside of smu :-)

5. Merciful profs + an amazing law class - grades better than I expected/deserved (?) and classmates that I love so very much and will miss terribly next sem <3 (yuching, anqi, annette, isabel, xinhoon, ppl to be thankful for)

6. Everything!!!!!

Okay gonna start work now back to crim verna :-)

ferris wheels + winged kites

People have been constantly taking my dignity away from me and it's okay because 1. I totally deserve it, and 2. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

And it's okay cuz I have no more dignity left anyway. 

So they can just take all the rest I have. 

And I promise I won't put up a fight.

If there's one thing this week and the last taught me, it's that I'm so weak, and probably will always be. 

And I think I have lost much of my faith in humanity. Was talking to linda about this today, how people trivialize the things that mean the world to us (aka interact and rc) and how people in uni are endlessly so materialistic they will never derive as much happiness out of serving people as we do. And that's totally okay because everyone has their own battles to fight. But I'm a firm believer that the battles you choose to take on defines the kind of person you are.

And ha ha what good are promises when people don't keep them? It's like a butterfly without wings or a kite without the string. There but not quite. People keep telling you things, you keep telling them things in return and in the end, it probably meant a whole lot more to you than it meant to them. It's unsettling because when you've bared yourself entirely, you realise that it probably wasn't a very wise choice because they end up trivialising you as a person and the things you believe in. 

No just no sigh. Some people will never understand.

things I hold close to heart

Itching to write again because so many things have been making my days so much more worth living!! So I'm typing this on my way home. Pictures below, but they include so many texts and tweets from my kids, which reduce me to a pile of mush every time I read them. How did I ever get so lucky to have met a bunch of kids who touched my life as much as I've touched theirs :')

Anyway, I was reading through my old emails from becky again today and I found the one dating back to 2010 when she was giving me advice for batch talk. Back when I was small and scared and couldn't even bring myself to talk in front of hordes of my batchmates. Her exact words were, "you don't need anything but your sincerity, friend. as long as you mean what you say, that in itself is your power to influence." (Pic below) I guess those words never left me since that day and it's been almost four years. But the past ten months (or even two years), I haven't had time to reflect and think about the reasons behind what I do what I do and perhaps I've made some mistakes, but a whole lot of good came out of that too. And I firmly believe Becky's 'sincerity', drive and passion, the traits that I endlessly respected her for back in rg, somehow rubbed off on me too.

1) serving kids in csl the 2 years I was in rj - taught me patience, love, kindness and respect for the simplest human beings and the cutest ones too :-)

2) teaching 2/3 and 2/5 in gss and making the best memories a teacher-cum-student like me will ever make - taught me to love my kids unconditionally no matter how many times they screwed up, made me love watching bball (cuz all my bball boys make me so proud), helped me understand what it truly means to be there for my kids, and touching their lives
And the best part is, I honestly never thought they'd still remember, up till now :-)

3) sports camp/YOLO camp/law camp/SMUX camp - showed me how superficial uni could be on one extreme, yet showed me sincerity is still possible and should be something we all continually strive towards. Taught me to never judge, just accept and that people never turn out to be what you first imagine. And taught me that some ppl just aren't worth the effort so quit trying :-)

4) isle vietnam - taught me sincerity, sincerity and more sincerity. Cuz even kids on the verge of death can tell when you truly mean the things you do for them. And there's so much joy in knowing you made the last few hours of a person much more bearable, much more painless. :-) taught me about life, death and the in-betweens cuz having seen death, somehow life becomes so much more precious to you :-)

5) rgsrcy (okay not within the past two years, but still worth mentioning) - hands down the best four years of my life. Yearmates are probably the best friends I've made and will ever make :-) fd trainings under the sun thrice a week for fdc, arts fest prac twice a week, trainings and pt twice a week, things I'll never forget for as long as I live. The part of my life I hate most when ppl trivialize it cuz it meant the world to me. Taught me discipline, strength, courage, taught me to be respected and to respect and taught me love, passion, commitment and how love can bring ppl tgt and bond them as a team :-)

6) namaste - the next big thing in my life and the one I srsly hope I can bring sincerity to :-) cuz it's no longer just all that Becky would ever want for the world, but now, it's all I would ever want for the world too. like idk maybe if she were here now, she'd be happy that everyone's doing the little bit they can. as much as I wish she were, I'm just glad there's this part of me that'll always be touched by her :-) and a part of me that I can translate into tangible, concrete action.

anyway the point of my post is cuz somehow somewhere, someone realised I needed a timely reminder of the things I have to keep holding close to my heart, and to never ever lose sight of the bigger things in life. Hahahaha kinda was super glad + relieved today to hear that STAND UP RG and STAND UP AC are all still in operation, owing to becky of course, such that her legacy still lives on no matter where she goes :') maybe it's about time a STAND UP SMU was started too HAHAHAHAHA

the good die young / but the great will always last

'It's just I don't feel like explaining to ppl how much it means to me so I don't mention it at all'
Like I don't think it's fair or even possible to condense the four best years of my life in a single sentence so I'd rather just not bring it up at all.
'Like I think some ppl don't deserve to know the important parts of me.'
Because not being able to appreciate the importance of it in my life is akin to not knowing it at all. If there's one thing I can't take, it's ppl trivializing things that mean the world to me.

I'm on the verge of being crushed by all the things life is throwing my way and it's not funny anymore )-: and cuz I rarely say I'm dying, so when I do tell people I'm dying, I kid you not. But honestly I'm okay there's no reason to get all worked up, I've done this before and I can do this again.

Anyway I've just got to tell the world this!!! My senior was classmates with Becky in ac omg is this the part where my life and the life she left behind converges HAHAHAHA I'd like to think so :) the world is too small. but yeah okay little things like this can make my day my life must be quite bleak ha ha

So glad lz still texts me it's her sense of humour that helps me get through life :) srsly don't know what I'd do without her!!! I rly rly miss school now esp seeing all the pics of uniform day on insta!! I don't think I was ever ready for uni and a part of me prolly will never be. But ok verna you need to focus on the present stop going back to the past when the present gets tough!!!!

I actually kinda miss volunteering at csl too all those kids could make my day happy no matter how bad it was :-) oh boy life has changed so much in the span of a year

If today's the day I die/ lay me down under the lights/ let me fall in love/ let me save a life
And let me lose my voice/ singing all my favorite songs/ let me stare up at the stars/ cuz it's where we all belong

Lz is too funny I rly have to give her some credit

blur of traffic

sonder
n. "the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."


Dying for this week to end cuz there's just too much to look forward to on Friday!! But there's all the obligations + things I must do before I get there ): sometimes I think I expect too much from myself, and I end up feeling bad I can't live up to it, even when I know it's physically impossible to, i.e. be in two places at once

I just hope people are more forgiving so that I can start forgiving myself

OH YEAH HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY to all my darling kids and yearmates and juniors and all the people I love v v much!! Ahhhh too precious :')

cheers to the freakin weekend

b r e a k i n g ) :

but itsokay I can put myself back tgt.

stop comparing stop judging stop complaining alr what good do ppl get out of it srsly. I don't get how ppl function with so much hate. in fact I don't get how the world functions with so much hate.

okay no time to feel think write go back to your texts verna