fake it to make it

Summer is looking pretty good with zurich to end it all off! Although it means I have less time in sg with the ppl I love, I suppose it's a fair exchange cuz I get to see places I've only dreamt about thus far :-) plus I'm kinda embracing the thought of travelling alone (technically) and escaping the staleness of singapore

Craving freshness like all the time now / getting restless more easily with each passing day although I honestly have the bestest ppl in my life right now / need more things to channel more efforts into that's actually something I can actually call my own (o m g I'm typing with slashes this is joy's doing!!!! her typing style has been slowly rubbing off on me the past six months. but not that I'm complaining though he he)

Though I dislike smu with an intense passion a lot of the time, happiness can still be found in the worst places. I guess I've finally found my own little grass patch of happiness here, one that I can actually call my own. One that I have carefully drawn the boundaries of. Just crossed my mind how much like grass relationships/friendships are; they yellow if we don't tend to them, pretty much like how this patch of happiness might slip out of my grasp as easily as it entered. 

Made soooo many bad decisions the past year, decisions I might have to live with for yet another year. It's physically painful, and what hurts is that the ppl I trust in most will never completely understand. Sobz really want to drop it all and escape (this is where the zurich part comes in I suppose)

smu taking away the bits of sincerity left in me cuz the competition's all too real and sometimes you just got to fake it to make it )-: hate this but better to learn it sooner than later

okay shall stop being a puddle of moodiness I really do love the fact that it's summer and I have time (TIME IS NOT OF THE ESSENCE NO MORE BYE CONTRACT)

#truth

end of year 1

end of finals / start of summer

for all the stress/trauma smu has been so far, a part of me still remains grateful for the friendships it has provided me with, esp in the gloomiest times. friendships that (I hope) will last me the rest of my life

the last sem was definitely not a walk in the park, the coming sems even more trying, but I'm just glad for the people who've accepted me at my worst, and whom I clearly don't deserve at my best :-)

my extreme indifference towards certain things seems to have magnified over the course of the last sem. a good change, no doubt, from when I used to care way too much about what people thought. more room for myself to figure out what actually makes me happy, and to rid my life of those that don't. but ok maybe not completely.

sudden wave of social interaction has me extremely drained I don't think this is a lifestyle I'm used to. there are so many things I do that don't make sense to me, yet I still do them anyway, wow I really defy my own logic at times..

free time has been great, but not when you're tied down to a million and one things

but I guess for the first time in the last 15 weeks, I can really truly say that I feel happy.

week 9

tried to go down an up escalator today and didn't even realise till I walked onto it

so effing done with this week

yes to anywhere but here

The shittiest I've felt in weeks my throat feels like it might give way I actually kinda like not having a voice saves me the trouble of working up the courage to talk to ppl

Hating things now stop taking away the things that mean most to me it hurts letting things get the better of me I honestly am too tired to put up a fight have given every ounce of energy it's still never enough

Writing in run-on sentences cuz this is precisely how this sem feels like - a constant struggle with no hope of ever seeing the end. april feels way too long away not sure how long I can keep this up not very long I bet

Forcing myself to study contract this is so so painful I just need sleep need to escape the world

yuching: "we need a break from school. I suggest boracay"
me: "yes to boracay." "yes to anywhere but here."

crash and burn

gotta press on gonna conquer this mountain called tort I don't care

skandinaviska nettleship v weston wooldridge wagon mound no 2 bolam bolitho gunapathy deutsche bank see toh siew kee sunrise crane tv media go dante yap bolton v stone spandeck spandeck spandeck all this overwhelms me

waikiki at the end of the week to top it all off (good / bad I'm not sure)

I just want the pain of this week to end

bad days made good :')

stress bordering on irrational annoyance, anger and insanity )': 

the things keeping me sane are sometimes the most unexpected ones - didn't have my wallet on me today (what happens when I leave the house sooo preoccupied) and my ezlink card ran out of cash. was on the verge of a panic attack when this kind kind lady fished out 10 bucks and gave it to me. asked for her bank account number so I could return the money but she told me to just take it as angpao money :'') was so touched I could've started crying there and then - there is good in this world after all :') thank you kind lady :'') noting this in my head as a reminder to do good and be kind :')

And I was entertaining the prospect of skipping dinner cuz I didn't have cash on me and I was too late to have dinner at home. But my dad came over to the train station to pass me money so that I could buy food home :') love my parents :'')

not gonna complain about staying in school till 9 doing contract cuz ppl are good and it makes up for all the bad in my life, really :')

on a sidenote was thinking today how little some things are worth to me and the realization is somewhat sad but not entirely unexpected. resolving to channel my heart into the right places from here on out. 

anyway I was thinking today (yeah I do too much thinking) how my respect for some people has multiplied tenfold ever since nepal :') I rly miss paul my annoyingly wise older brother and I realise I respect him for doing things the way he does them and for being one of the few ppl I look up to most in smu (somehow the thought of him respecting becky as much as I do and liking taylor swift as much as I do is comforting :-)) And mag the ever talented friend who is amazingly artsy and will prolly revolutionize the floral industry heh I'm not even kidding :-) plz go check out floralsbym.com and support this beautiful project!!!! 

Typing this on my phone as I'm having dinner before I go back to work sigh

Got bgs in the morning two days in a row comms ball sat night contract wr chionging on sun plus

legal memo + tort readings + contract readings + tort midterm to study for

the intensity of all this is almost too hard to bear but I'm okay I'm okay 

haven't scrapbooked in the longest time, but when I do it's the best therapy in the world :-) so glad for ppl who give me reasons to scrap

OKAY BACK TO WORK

I might be okay / but I'm not fine at all

January's almost over, and I haven't even had the time to do a proper 2014 post yet since school started. Exhaustion is no longer a mere feeling anymore, it has become an inherent part of my personality at this point and I don't remember the last time I ever truly not felt tired. 2014 has been extremely trying so far, going through the motions without feeling much, except maybe the pain of struggling to hold everything up plus the overwhelming worry that it'll all give way. Law mods this sem really the toughest yet, not just content-wise, but profs-wise too. Not really enjoying much of anything right now (hopefully that'll change though) and doesn't help that the profs have so much higher standards that we try and yet again fail to meet. But 2014 has had its fair share of happiness - insanely blessed to have the right people in my life and just knowing that deep down, the timing was right :-)

Haven't properly wrapped up December yet, but perfect is the first word that comes to mind. Nepal was beautiful, in all the ways you can think of. The people were amazing - the Nepalese kids probably gave me more than I gave them, and as much as I feel bad that I couldn't give them as much as I wanted to, I'm just glad that they could sense our love and dedication, and I guess love was ultimately the best gift we could ever give them. Universal language and all :-) I miss the peace, the solitude, the simplicity. I miss nature (hating technology more and more by the minute, though a necessity, I admit); I miss smiling and laughing and actually meaning it. Most of all, I miss the team and I miss the connection we had over in nepal, something I doubt we can ever replicate back here.

Okay enough of living in the past, right now I'm just thankful for my family and friends. CNY has been a flurry of visiting and tons of catching up - the best part is just forgetting work/school and actually having fun. (is is just me or is fun a foreign concept now) But now that it's 4am on a saturday night gotta hit the books and catch up on the pile of readings (including those I put on hold for tort proj last week). Oh yes plus I'm super grateful for joy shan and ianna they make law school so much more tolerable in fact they make smu so much more tolerable the world needs more people like them :-) And for colz + almo too they make ssu so much more tolerable if not doing this for them I'm not sure for who honestly

It's 4am (OK second time I'm saying this but it's rly quite late??) and I've rly gotta go to bed. Anyway I've discovered all too well has the best lyrics, was listening to it on the car home and appreciating how lyrical it is


Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days

And I know it's long gone
And that magic's not here no more
And I might be okay
But I'm not fine at all

'Cause there we are again on that little town street.
You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Baby we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

xx